Saturday, January 28, 2012

International Humour I

A Good Question!

A young Arab asks his father,
What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why it's a 'chechia' because in the desert
it protects our heads from the sun.”

And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?”
asked the young man. “It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert
it is very hot and it protects the body,” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”
His father replied, “These are 'babouches', which keep us from
burning our feet in the desert.”

So, tell me then,” added the boy....”Yes, my son?”
Why are you living in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
and still wearing all this stuff???”

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts
and some orange and lime trees.

One afternoon the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
(from a tourist bus) skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went into the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out of this pond 
until you leave.” The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch 
you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.” 
Holding the bucket up, he said,
I'm just here to feed the alligator.”

(Some old men...can think very fast!)

Texas versus Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd
of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least 
twice  as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, ”And what are those?” 
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, ”Don't you have any 
grasshoppers in Texas?”

The Best Computer

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized
as being female (e.g. “Steady as she goes,” or “She's listing to starboard”)

Recently, a group of scientists (all male) announced at a convention in Europe, that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion:

Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Female
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message, “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as,
If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you”.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) meeting in North America agreed that computers should be referred to as if they were male. 
Their reasons follow:

Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Male
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer,
you could have obtained a better model.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Catholic versus Jewish Golf Match

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals,
“Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club 
in his hand. “Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked. 
“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, 
“there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him 
to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative.
In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus 
was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported 
to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and 
some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.

Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope. 
“Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played 
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have 
ever played, by far! I must've been inspired from above.
My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, 
and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

There's bad news?”, the Pope asked. “Yes,” Nicklaus sighed.
I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.” 


         Heaven is Where:                       Hell is Where:
         The Police are British.                       The Police are German
         The Chefs are Italian.                        The Chefs are British.
         The Mechanics are German.             The Mechanics are French.
         The Lovers are French.                     The Lovers are Swiss.
          ..... and.....                                         ..... and.....
          It's all organized by the Swiss.          It's all organized by the Italians.

Pearl of Wisdom”
Don't cry because it's over,
SMILE...because it happened!

Merle Baird-Kerr ... written October 21. 2011
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