Sunday, May 13, 2012

"Priority" Humour

“Priority” in some species is “a given”:  e.g. with sled dogs, there is the “alpha;.
with lion prides, always the “male”; with humans, one is an outstanding “leader”.
Often there is what we call “a pecking order” which the others that be, understand.

The following illustrations of: senility, of dentistry, of famous people, of politics…
demonstrate how “priority” and choice… is often favoured”

Old Age at Its Best

Russ and Sam, two friends meet in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch
the Squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn’t show up.  Sam
didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
 But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t
 know where Russ lived, and was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day
Sam approached the park … and “lo and behold” there sat Russ!  Sam was very
excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he asked, “For crying out loud,
Russ, what in the world happened to you?”

Russ replied, “I’ve been in jail!”
“Jail!” cried Sam, “what in the world for?”
“Well,” Russ said, “You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee
shop where I sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her.  What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me…and at 89 years old, I was
so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded GUILTY!
 The judge gave me 30 days for perjury!”

Every Problem has a Solution

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.  “No way!  No needles.
 I hate needles, “the patient stated.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says, “I can't do the gas
thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
“No objection,”  he replied.  “I'm fine with pills.”  The dentist gives him a couple
of pills. He swallows them.  “What are they?” he inquires.  “Viagra,” says the
dentist. “Heck,” the patient said  “I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”

“It doesn't,” stated the dentist, “but it will give you something
to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

Canadian Citizen

You, who worry about Conservatives versus Liberals…
relax…here is our real problem.

In a Toronto University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be
the Prime Minister of Canada.  It was pretty simple…the candidate must be
a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen.  In short, her opinion was that this
requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming Prime Minister.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor
when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born
citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

Yep…these are the same kind of 18-year olds that just voted in our election!

They “exist” and they walk among us.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton

They both die the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll
be admitted to Heaven.  Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the 
Angel must decide which one of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular “reason” why she should go to
Heaven. Dolly removes her top and says, “Look at these...they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created...and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see  them
every day for eternity.”

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.  The Queen
takes a bottle of  Perrier out of her purse...drinks it down...then wees into the toilet
and pulls the lever.  The Angel says, “OK,  Your may go in!”

Dolly is outraged and asks, “What was all that about?  I show you two of God's own
perfect creations and you turn me down.  She wees into the toilet and you let her in!
Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” says the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair!”

(Thanks to a couple readers who sent me the foregoing.)

“Pearl of Wisdom”
Nobody ever gets anywhere in this life
without taking some initiative.
If you have a good concept, run with it
and see what happens.

(Rebecca Brandewyne from her novel...Glory Seekers)

Merle Baird-Kerr … written April 21, 2012
Comments welcome … scroll down (may enter as “anonymous”
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