Friday, May 4, 2012

Political Humour I

 Wouldn't it be great if politicians adopted this
“Pearl of Wisdom”?
We could learn a lot from crayons!
Some are sharp; some are pretty;
some are dull; some have weird names
and all are different colours,
 they all exist very nicely in the same box!

This Explains it All

The English language has some wonderfully
anthropomorphic nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows,
a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens)
an Exaltation of doves and presumably because they look so wise,
a Parliament of owls!
Now, consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious,
most aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And...what is the proper collective noun  for a group of Baboons?
Believe it or not.....a Congress!!!

I guess that pretty much explains
the things that come out of Washington!


                             Father O'Malley answers the phone.  “Hello, is this Father 
                             “It is!”
                             “This is the IRS.  Can  you help us?”
                             “I can!”
                             “Do you know a Ted Houlihan?” IRS asks.
                             “I do!”
                             “Is he a member of your congregation?” further asks IRS.
                             “He is!”
                             “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
                             “He will!”

                                                                 Crossing Borders 

Let Me See If I Got This Right ...

If you cross the North Korean Border illegally, you get 12 years hard labour!
If you cross the Iranian Border illegally, you are detained indefinitely!
If you cross the Afghan Border illegally, you get shot!
If you cross the Saudi Arabian Border illegally, you will be jailed!
If you cross the Chinese Border illegally,  you may never be heard from again!
If you cross the Venezuelan Border, you will be branded a spy and  your fate
will be sealed!
If you cross the Cuban Border illegally, you will be thrown into political 
prison to rot!

If you cross the  U.S. Border illegally, you get:
        A Job!
        A Driver's Licence!
        Social Security Card!
        Food  Stamps!
        Credit Cards!
        Subsidized Rent or a Loan to Buy a House!
        Free Education!
        Free Health Care!
        A Lobbyist in Washington!
        Billions of Dollars Worth of Public Documents Printed in Your Language!
        The Right to Carry Your Country's Flag While You Protest That You Don't
        Get Enough Respect  and You Can Vote Democrat!
I Just Wanted To Make Sure I Had A Firm Grasp On The Situation!!!

The Queen's Riddle?

Barak Obama met with the Queen of England.  He asked her, “Your Majesty,
how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips  you can 
give to me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with
intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer
an intelligent riddle.” 
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. ”Please send Tony Blair in here,
 would  you?”
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”  The Queen
smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony.  Your mother and father
have  a child.  It is not your brother and it is not your sister.  Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered,
“That would be me.”  “Yes!  Very good,” said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. 
“Joe, answer 'this for me. Your mother and father have a child.  It's not your
brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”  Biden responded, “I'm not sure. 
Let me get back to you on that one...” He went to his advisors and asked
every one, but none could give him an answer.  Finally, he ended up in the
men's  room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, “Colin, can you answer this for me? 
Your mother and father  have a child and it's not  your brother or your sister. 
Who is it?”  Colin Powell yelled back, “That's easy, it's me!”

Biden smiled and said, “Thanks!”  Then he went back to speak with Obama. 
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  
It's Colin Powell!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
“No! You Idiot!  It's Tony Blair!”


Returned Mail

Can You Believe It?
The Government sent my Census form back to me! 
In response to question 4,
                                     Illegal immigrants ... 2.1 million
                                     Crackheads. ... 1.1 million
                                     Unemployable people 4.4 million
                                     People in over 85 prisons ... 901 thousand
                                     Idiots in parliament ... 650.
                                            Apparently, this was not an acceptable answer.

(My thanks to dedicated readers for sending the foregoing)

Merle Baird-Kerr . . . composed October 11, 2011
Comments always appreciated ... scroll down
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