Wednesday, September 14, 2016

It's So Hot in Ontario...

...the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of distance. water comes from both taps. can make sun tea instantly. learn that a seat buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

...the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly. discover that in July, it only takes two fingers to steer your car. discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. actually burn your hand opening the door. break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

...your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?” realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk. are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

.IT IS SO DRY that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling;
the Methodists are using wet-wipes;
the Presbyterians are giving rain checks;
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

(compliments to Jeanne for the above)

Let a man walk 10 miles steadily on a hot summer's day
along a dusty English road...and he will soon discover
why beer was invented! (Gilbert K. Chesterton)

Doggie at the sunny window, muses,
I'm not coming out 'til it cools down out there!

You know it's hot...when the dog starts to melt!

In Praise of Summer
The following are excerpts from a press article by Paul Benedetti...who teaches
at the University of Western Ontario and lives in Hamilton.

After the summer we've had, I feel like writing an Ode to Summer.
And if I knew what an 'ode' actually is, I would do that!
Instead, I'd like to suggest that summer is the greatest season and that this summer should be placed
in the Summer Hall of Fame.

Many people claim that they love winter more than summer. Sociologically speaking, these people are known as 'liars.' Some of them may also be skiers, but they too, are probably lying since skiers spend most of their time putting on 34 layers of ski gear...and the rest of the time in the chalet for “Happy Hour” which goes from noon until midnight.

Others who claim to love winter do so safely from their condos in Boca Raton where they go on and on about being “Snow Birds” though the only snow they've seen in four months is in their pina colada slushy.

So, let's just agree that all sane people...and I include myself in that group, think that summer in Canada is a fleeeting,beautiful thing. Summer is sitting on your front porch with a cup of coffee...the morning sun lighting up your newspaper...or glaring off your iPad until you are near blind. Summer is long, long days with the sky still bright at 7 and 8 and even 9, making “Saturday afternoon beer drinking” a very dangerous activity.

Summer is driving your car with the windows down...unless of course, the humidity is no percent in which case, your car is pretty much a moving 'steam bath' and your shirt is soaked and your legs appear to be Krazy-Glued to your upholstery.

Summer is outside barbecuing. No slaving over a hot stove in the kitchen. Instead, you can sweat in front of a 600-degree grill in a cloud of hamburger fat and smoke, yelling, “Does anyone mind their burger rare?”

Summer's warm nights...and I mean nights that would make a month in a Malaysian jungle seem 'refreshing.' Nights where you lie in a sweat-soaked bed...two fans doing a great job of just blowing more hot air around the room...and making about the same level of noise as a prop plane taking off.

Summer is going out to cut the lawn and realizing 15 minutes in, the sun is roasting the top of your head where you delusionally believe you still have hair. Five more minutes and your brain has the same temperature as a sausage on the barbecue...with about the same thought processes.

Summer is people repeatedly asking, “Hot enough for you?” until you want to answer, “No, actually is is not hot enough for me. I prefer it so hot that people around me burst into flames. How about you?”

But summer is also that morning dive off the dock into cool, clear water. It's waking up as the sun peaks over the horizon at 6 a.m. and staying up until it disappears in the west, just past 10 p.m. It's reaching into a cooler filled with ice and pulling out a cold bottle of beer...popping the cap and taking your first, long pull!

It's eating outside, the air pleasant and warm...the gentle buzz of cicadas in the trees the only dinner music you need. Summer is biting into that first fresh corn of the season...the cob buttered and salted. It's savouring the sugar-sharp of sun ripened tomatoes and the sinful sweetness of sliced peaches.

Summer is sitting in the sun...a trashy novel unopened beside you,
lightly dozing and dreaming that it will never end.

Compiled by Merle Baird-Kerr...September 10, 2016

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