Saturday, April 21, 2012

Police Humour

 Question:  How do you  tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer
                   an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:     First ~ Let's pose the following scenario:

A  Police Officer in Canada

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.  
 Suddenly a young dark-skinned man armed with a  huge knife, comes 
around the corner,  locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife 
and lunges at you.

You are carrying  a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. However,
 you  have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

Canuck Police  Officer:  Firstly, the officer must consider the man's
      Human Rights...
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Does he have a Treaty of Waitangi gripe?
Maybe his unemployment benefit has been unfairly stopped???
Perhaps he is just about to fight a Taniwha  who stole his Big Mac, so I'm
     actually in no danger at all???
Did his bet at the TAB not go as planned?
Is he angry because his KFC  is under-cooked?
Has he been unfairly told to get a job?
Am I being culturally insensitive towards him in any way?
Has he just mistaken me for of his “P” supplier that is unfairly demanding payment?
Is he newly arrived in this country and does not  yet understand the law?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Am I dressed provocatively?
Could I run away?
Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send
     to society?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over ,
     knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot and  wound  him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have  the
     opportunity  to sue me, costing me my job, my credibility and the loss of my
     family home?

Australian Police Officer:  BANG!

American Police Officer:  BANG!  BANG!  BANG!  BANG!  BANG!  BANG!
BANG!  BANG!  BANG! BANG!  BANG!  'click'...
(The Sergeant arrives at the scene later and remarks: “Nice grouping”)


A Speeding Senior

An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Woman:     “Is there a problem, Officer?”
Officer:      “Ma'am,  you were speeding”
Woman:     “Oh,  I see.”
Officer:      “Can I see your licence, please?”
Woman:     “I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.”
Officer:      “Why not?”
Woman:     “Lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.”
Officer:      “I see.  Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?”
Woman:     “I can't do that.”
Officer:      “Why not?”
Woman:     “I stole it.”
Officer:      “Stole it?”
Woman:     “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.”
Officer:      “You  what?”
Woman:     “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to  his cruiser and calls for
'back up' ... within minutes, 5 police cars  circle her car.  A senior officer slowly 
approaches it, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2 :      “Ma'am, could you please step out of your vehicle, please?”
Woman:         “Is there a problem, sir?” as she steps out of her vehicle.
Officer 2:       “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
                        murdered the owner.”
Woman:           “Murdered the owner?”
Officer 2:        “Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please?”
Woman:           (Woman...opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.)
Officer 2:        “Is this your car, Ma'am?”
Woman:          “Yes, here are the registration papers.”  The officer is stunned!
Officer 2:        “One of my officers claims you do not have a driving licence.”

The woman digs into her bag and pulls out a driver's licence and hands it the officer
who examines the licence  ... looking puzzled.

Officer 2:        “Thank you Ma'am.  One of my officers told me you  didn't have a
                       licence, that you stole the car, that you murdered and hacked up 
                       the owner.”
Woman:          “Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!”

Moral:  Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies!


Needing Help

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted
 by a little girl about 6 years old.  Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
“Are you a cop?”  I answered, “Yes,” as I continued writing the report. 

“My mother said, if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?” 
  she asked.
“Yes, that's right!” I told her.  “Well,” she said as she extended her right foot
  toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”


A Good Question!

It  was at the end of the day when I parked my police van in the front of the station. 
As I gathered together my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking...and I saw
a little boy staring at me.  “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,”  I replied. 
Puzzled, the boy looked at me.  Finally, he asked, “What did  he do?”


“Pearl of Wisdom”
I shall have no objection to go over the same life
from the beginning to the end;
requesting only the advantage authors have...
of correcting a second edition...the faults of the first.”
(Benjamin Franklin )

Merle Baird-Kerr . . . composed October 17, 2011

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