Monday, March 26, 2012

Medical Humour II

The Prescription

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” 
and he abbreviated “right” as R with a circle around it. Several days passed 
and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those oil drops.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and...sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: “Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

A Senior's Wish

A woman tells her doctor, “I want a hysterectomy.”
The doctor asks, “Why?...Mrs. Koslowski, you're 77 years old.”
She tells him, “I don't want any grandchildren.”

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was 
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!”. 
Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. 
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're cute.” 
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful', it was now 'cute'.

She asked, “What happened to 'beautiful'?” The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

Embarrassing Medical Exams
(thanks to a long-time bridge friend)

A man comes into the ER and yells...”My wife is going to have her baby 
in the cab.” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress 
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
 several cabs...and I was in the wrong one!
(submitted by Dr. Mark McDonald...San Francisco)

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.
(submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes...Seattle, Washington)

One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a “massive myocardial infarct.” Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 
“massive  internal fart".
  (submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg)

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 
“Which one”? I which he answered, “the patch...the nurse told me 
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running our of places to put it!” 
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal 
of the old patch...before applying a new one.
(submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair...Norfolk, Virginia)

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion, she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years...when my husband was alive.”
(submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson...Corvallis, Oregon)

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking on a male patient ...”So, how's your breakfast this morning?” Bob replied, “It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.” 
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly'.
(submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf...Detroit)

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with 
purple hair, styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos 
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the 
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read..
.”Keep off the Grass!” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote
a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, “Sorry...had to mow the lawn!”
(submitted by name)

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had  formed a habit, unconsciously,  of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady, upon whom I was performing this exam, suddenly burst out laughing...and further embarrassing me! I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I'm sorry, was I tickling you?” She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, “No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ”I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”
(Doctor...wouldn't submit his name)

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined
the baby ...checked its weight...and being concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed”, she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
No wonder this baby is don't have any milk.”
I know,” she said, “I'm his Grandma...but I'm glad!”

How is Norma?

This is hilarious...and stated to be a true story:

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital (Hamilton ?) and 
timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a 
patient is doing?” The operator said, “I'll be glad to help, dear ... what is the
name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother, in weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302”

The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurses' station.” After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is dong well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news.” The operator stated, “You're more than welcome,” then enquired, “Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother replied, “No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me nothin'!

Pearl of Wisdom”... 
(on a serious fact, yet so true!)
"There is a way between voice and presence
where information flows.
In disciplined opens.
With wandering opens."
(Author unknown)

Merle Baird-Kerr . . . November 8, 2011
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(posted March 26, 2012)

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