Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Medical Humour I

A Short History of Medicine
                       2000  B.C. ~ “Here, eat this root.”
                       1000  B.C. ~ “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
                       1850  B.C. ~ “That prayer is superstitious, drink this potion.”
                       1940  B.C. ~ “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
                       1985  B.C. ~ “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
                       2000  B.C. ~ “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, take this root.”
                                                    (Author unknown)

                               Conclusion:  It appears we have come full circle!

Brain Surgery
In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.  Finally the doctor came in looking tired and somber.  “I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.  It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family  members sat silent as they absorbed the news.  At last, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded,
“$200 for a female brain and $500 for a male brain.”

The moment turned awkward.  Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, “It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used !!!!!”

“Shop Talking”
Three Doctors at a Convention talking Shop!

The first Doctor says:       “I love doing surgery on Artists; they are so colourful:                                            red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens.
The second Doctor says:   “Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants; open them                                             up...all their Parts are numbered...makes it easy"
The third Doctor says:       “I love doing surgery on Lawyers;  they have no
                                            Heart, they have no Guts, the Head and a lower
                                            part are interchangeable."

The Veterinarian
A woman told the Vet that something was wrong with her dog.  He examined
 the animal and told her the dog was dead. “I don't believe  you,”she said, 
“I'd like a second opinion."
The Vet said that would be fine.  He went into the other room and got a cat.  He put the cat up on the table with the dog and jumped down.  The Vet then got a black lab, put him up on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.

The Vet tells the lady again, ”I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead.  That
will be $600 for the exam. “Your charge of $600 is ridiculous,” she exclaimed.
“What are the charges for?”

“$600 is a bargain,” the Vet explained. “$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work.”

Some Sex Trouble

An elderly couple  went into a doctor.  They told him, “We're having some
trouble with our sex life.  Could you watch and offer some suggestions?”
The doctor replied, “I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else.”
The couple said, “No, No, we trust you.”

After watching them  make love, the doctor said, “You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good.  I can't give you any suggestions.”

This was repeated the next week and also the third week.  After they had
finished on the third week, the doctor said, “You aren't having any trouble.
Is this your idea of kinky sex?”

The man replied, “No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house,
my wife will catch us.  If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us.  The motel charges us $75, and we can't afford that.  You charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that.”

Good News and Bad News
The old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, “I have good news and bad news ... what would  you like to hear first?”
Patient: “Well, give me the bad news first, Doctor ...  who replies, “You have cancer.  I estimate you have about two years left.”

Patient: “OH NO!  That's awful, in two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???”

Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer's.  In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.”

Two Different Doctors' Offices!

        Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint!
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND patient sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an X-ray which
isn't reviewed for another week and finally his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then!

Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever! ... The SECOND is a Senior Citizen!
Next time...take me to a Vet!

Seniors' Wedding

Dennis, age 92 and Rebecca, age 89, living in Airdrie, are all excited about their decision to get married.  They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.  Dennis suggests they go in.

Dennis address the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Dennis:  “We're about to get married.  Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist:  “Of course we do.”
Dennis: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist:  “All kinds.”
Dennis:  “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist:  “Definitely.”
Dennis:  “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist:  “You bet!”
Dennis:  “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist:  “Yes, a large variety.  The works.
Dennis:  “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, and antidotes for
                 Parkinson's disease?”
Pharmacist:  “Absolutely”.
Dennis:  “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist:  “We sure do.”
Dennis:  “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist:  “All speeds and sizes.”
Dennis:  “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist:  “Sure.”
Dennis:  “We'd like to use  this store as our Bridal Registry.”

(Gratitude to Readers who have sent me a few of the foregoing)

“Pearl of Wisdom”
Life would be infinitely happier
if we could be born at the age of 80
and gradually approach 18.
(Mark Twain)

Merle Baird-Kerr . . . written October 22, 2011
(wish to comment? ... scroll down....(may sign in as “anonymous”)

No comments:

Post a Comment