Until
one has loved an animal,
a
part of one's soul remains unawakened. (Anatol France)
An
animal's eyes have the power
to
speak a great language. (Martin Buber)
Burglar
at Large
In summer, 1995, the police were called to a large residential home
in Poole, Dorset (England) after a ruby ring belonging to one of the
residents disappeared. The lady in question, remembered leaving it on
the basin window sill when she washed her hands ~ and when she came
back a few minutes later, it was gone! A thorough search by staff
had not found it. Being rather senile, the staff then assumed that
the resident had mislaid it. Two days later, the police again were
informed of the loss of some jewellery ~ this time a gold chain. The
resident had taken it off when going to bed and left it on a dressing
table by her window. In the morning, it was gone. Living on the
second floor, it was unlikely that a passer-by had pinched it.
Suspicion
then fell on a young student who had started working
at the home in his summer holidays. He protested his innocence and
was vindicated
when another theft was reported.
Again, it was a ring ~ but the young man was on his day off at the
time.
Anxious to conclusively prove his innocence, he decided to patrol the
home's gounds to see if he could solve the mystery. His attention
was caught early one morning by the antics of a group of magpies. To
his amazement, he saw 7 young magpies fly up to an open window...one
flew off with something shining in its beak...and return to its nest.
Returning home, the young man reported to the police what he had
seen. Using a high platform truck, a rep was raised to the nesting
site. Carefully, he recovered a ruby ring...gold chain...and a diamond ring.
Police declined to press charges ~ warning residents to keep
jewellery away from their open windows.
Well
~At Least I Tried ~
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C. when he sees
a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs
her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to
slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker
jumps off his Harley...runs to the cage...and hits the lion square on
his nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from pain, the lion jumps
back, letting go of the girl...and the biker brings the little girl
to her terrified parents ~ who thank him endlessly.
A reporter, watching the whole event, addresses the Harley rider,
“Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do
in my whole life.” The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was
nothing, really. The lion was behind bars...I just saw this little
kid in danger...and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist ...and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page. So, what do you do for a living?”
The biker replies, “I'm a U.S. Marine.” The journalist leaves.
The following morning, the biker buys the paper to see if it, indeed,
brings news of his actions
and reads on the front page:
U.S.
Marine Assaualts Aftrican Immigrant and Steals His Lunch
The
Perfect Pet
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet
that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The
man replies, “Come on ~ a dog?” The owner than asks, “How about
a cat?” The man replies, “No Way! A cat certainly can't do
everything!!!” Thinking for a moment, the shop owner states, “I've
got it! A centipede!” The man answers, “A centipede??? I can't
imagine it doing anything...but OK ~ I'll try the centipede.”He
takes the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the
Kitchen!” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen
and...it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been
washed...dried and put away...the countertops have been cleaned...and
the appliances are sparkling...even the floor was waxed! He is
absolutely amazed!
Next, he says to the centipede, “Go clean the Living Room!”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the Living Room: the carpet has
been vacuumed...the furniture cleaned and dusted...and the pillows on
the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants.
The
man thinks to himself: This
is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
This really is a pet that can do everything!
Next, he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me
a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door ~ 10 minutes later, no centipede ~
20 minutes later, no centipede...30 minutes later, no centipede! By
this point, the man is wondering what's going on. It should have
been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later, still no
centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened: Did the centipede run
away?
Did it get run over by a car? Where is the centipede?
So, he goes to the front door...opens it...and there is the centipede
sitting right outside. The man says,
“Hey!
I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a
newspaper. What's the matter?”
I'm
goin! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!
Four
Cats with Impressive Abilities
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man
was an engineer...the second man was an accountant...the third man
was a chemist...the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To
show off, the engineer called to his cat T-square',
DoYour Stuff! T-square pranced
over to a desk...took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart!
But
the accountant said that he could do better. Calling his cat, said,
“Spreadsheet,
do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet
went
into the kitchen and returned with a couple dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed
that was good!
But
the chemist said his cat could do better! Calling his cat, said,
“Measure,
do your stuff! Measure
got up...walked over to the fridge...took out a quart of milk...got a
10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good!
Then
the 3 men turned to the Government Employee and asked, “What can
you do?” The government worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee
Break, do your stuff!! Coffee Break jumped
to his feet...ate the cookies...drank the milk...crapped on the
paper...screwed the other 3 cats...claimed he injured his back while
doing so...filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions...put in for Workers' Compensation...and went home for the
rest of the day on 'sick leave.'!
“Perhaps
one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal
can contain so much independence...dignity...and freedom of
spirit.
Unlike the dog, he demands acceptance on his own terms.” (Lloyd
Alexander)
Writer: Merle Baird-Kerr...February 18, 2019
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