Thank you, Tom, for this
unique rendition!
A sixth grader, about age
10, was asked to write a book report
on the entire Bible. Here
is what he wrote:
The Children's Bible in
a Nutshell
In the beginning, which
occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some
gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Give me
a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He
split Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked,
but they were not embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they
were driven from the Garden of Eden...not sure what they were
driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a
son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Able.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important
people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of
a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals
on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and
Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau
sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a
son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible
guy is Moses, whose real name is Charlton Heston. Moses led the
Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs,
mice, lice, bowels and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every
day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten
Commandments. They included...don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance or
covet your neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best
helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
fought the Battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua, came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with
a slingshot. He had a son called Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me. After Solomon, there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale
and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament
came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He
was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn
too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the Door! Were
you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, “As a matter of
fact, I was.”)
During his life, Jesus
had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the
Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was
Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they
named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He
healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for
our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but
will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in
the Book of Revolution.
A New Explanation of
Creation
In the beginning, God
created the Heavens and the Earth.
He populated Earth with
broccoli, spinach, cauliflower; green, yellow and red vegetables
of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's great
gifts, Satan created “Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème
Donuts. And Satan asked, “Do you want chocolate with that?” And
Man said, “Yes!” And the woman said, “ As long as you're at it,
add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled!
And God created the
healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so
fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar
from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
14. And God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan
presented Thousand-Island-Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast
on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the
repast.
God then said, “I have
sent you hearty healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook
them. Satan then brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried-steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then,
created a light, fluffy white cake, naming it Angel Food Cake and
said, “It is Good!” Satan then created chocolate cake and named
it Devil's Food Cake and said, “It is sinfully Good!”
God then brought forth
running shoes so that His children might lose their extra pounds.
And Satan gave them cable TV with a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought for the
the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. Satan
peeled off the healthful skin, slicing the starchy center into chips
and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean
beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his
appetite. And Satan created McDonald's with its 99-cent-double
cheeseburger. Then said, “Do you want fries with that?” And Man
replied, “Yes! And super-size them!” And Satan said, “It is
good!” And Man went into cardiac arrest. God then created
quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMO's!
Life expectancy would
grow by leaps and bounds
if green vegetables
smelled as good as bacon. (Doug Larson)
Proverbs: A cooked
tomato is like a cooked oyster: ruined! (Andre Simon)
A 'meat and potatoes person' means
someone who prefers plain and simple things. (Anonymous)
A woman is like an artichoke; you
must work hard to get to their heart. (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
A world without tomatoes is like a
string quartet without violins. (Laurie Colwin)
An onion can make one
cry; there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
(Will Rogers)
Cauliflower is nothing
but cabbage with a college education. (Thomas Nash)
Merle
Baird-Kerr...compiled July 16, 2014
To comment, e-mail
to...inezkate@gmail.com
or mbairdkerr@cogeco.ca
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