Thank you, Tom, for this unique rendition!
A sixth grader, about age 10, was asked to write a book report
on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they were not embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden...not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Able. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name is Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. They included...don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the Battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua, came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son called Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon, there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the Door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”)
During his life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the Book of Revolution.
A New Explanation of Creation
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.
He populated Earth with broccoli, spinach, cauliflower; green, yellow and red vegetables
of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created “Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan asked, “Do you want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” And the woman said, “ As long as you're at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled!
And God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. And God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island-Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, “I have sent you hearty healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them. Satan then brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried-steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then, created a light, fluffy white cake, naming it Angel Food Cake and said, “It is Good!” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it Devil's Food Cake and said, “It is sinfully Good!”
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose their extra pounds. And Satan gave them cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought for the the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. Satan peeled off the healthful skin, slicing the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's with its 99-cent-double cheeseburger. Then said, “Do you want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super-size them!” And Satan said, “It is good!” And Man went into cardiac arrest. God then created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMO's!
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds
if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. (Doug Larson)
Proverbs: A cooked tomato is like a cooked oyster: ruined! (Andre Simon)
A 'meat and potatoes person' means someone who prefers plain and simple things. (Anonymous)
A woman is like an artichoke; you must work hard to get to their heart. (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
A world without tomatoes is like a string quartet without violins. (Laurie Colwin)
An onion can make one cry; there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. (Will Rogers)
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Thomas Nash)
Merle Baird-Kerr...compiled July 16, 2014