Sunday, August 24, 2014

Common Sense Reigns

The three essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are:
Hard Work...Stick-to-Intuitiveness...Common Sense.
(Thomas Edison)

Two Nuns
(submitted...from Tom)

There were two nuns.  One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are far away from the convent.

SM:  Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?  I wonder what  he wants.

SL:   It's logical...he wants to rape us.
SM:  Oh, no!  At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!  What can we do?
SL:   The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.
SM:  It's not working.
SL:   Of course it's not working.  The man did the only logical thing.  He started to walk faster too.

SM:  So, what shall we do?  At this rate, he will reach us in one minute.
SL:   The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that way and I'll go this way.  He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.  Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried  about what happened to Sister Logical.  Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM:  Sister Logical!  Thank God you are here!  Tell me what happened.
SL:   The only logical thing happened.  The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM:  Yes, yes...but what happened then?
SL:   The only logical think happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run faster.
SM:  And?
SL:   The only logical thing happened.  He reached me.
SM:  Oh, dear!  What did you do?
SL:   The only logical thing to do...I lifted my dress up.
SM:  Oh, Sister!  What did the man do?
SL:   The only logical thing to do...he pulled down his pants.
SM:  Oh, no!  What happened then?

SL:   Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

(And for those of  you, who thought it would be 'dirty'...isn't this surprising???)

Failure will not overcome me  if my determination to succeed
is strong enough. (Italian author)

Job Application

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So, you all want to be cops, huh?” The three blondes all nodded.  The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.  Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said, “To be a detective, you must  be able to detect .  You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.  “Now,” he asked,”did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did.  He has only one eye!”  The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!  It's a profile of his face!  You're dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of his office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds...pulled it back and said, “What about you?  Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”  She replied, “Yes!  He has only one ear!”  The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?  This is a profile of the man's face!  Of course, you can only see one ear!  You're excused too!”  The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and commented, “This is probably a waste of time, but ...”  He flashed the photo in her face for a couple seconds and withdrew it, asking, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”  The blonde said, “I sure did.  This man wears contact lenses.”  The detective frowned, took another look at the picture...and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.  He looked  at the blonde with a puzzled expression and stated, “You're absolutely right!  His bio says he wears contacts!  How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well...Heck,
with only one eye and one ear...he certainly cannot wear glasses!!!”

“Human Actions often illustrate the Comedies of Life.”

Let Him Dig!
(received from my son)

An old man and  woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard and the old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!!!”  Even the neighbours feared him.

He died of a heart attack at 98.  After the burial, the neighbours concerned about the wife's safety, asked her, “Aren't  you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”  The wife said, “Let him dig!  I had him buried upside down.  And I know he won't ask for directions!”

The following is a plaque given me by a Hamilton Bridge partner:

Three Wise Women...
would have Asked for directions...Arrived on time...Helped deliver the baby...Cleaned the stable...Made a casserole...Brought practical gifts...and There would be Peace on Earth!

Crafted by Merle Baird-Kerr...May 19, 2014
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