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Your Life is Speaking to You!

Barriers to Making Up...After an Argument

According to Jeff Herring and Maritza Parra, Arguments, disagreements, fights...no matter how good the relationship may be, these happen to all...creating unhappiness, displeasure, bitterness possibly.  And do you believe, that given time, all this will just go away? 

It's been said that the best part of arguments is the making up.  Yet, there are so many things that get in the way of making up.  Let's take a look at the top three barriers to making up and what to do instead:

Make Up Barrier 1 ~ You go first!  Out of pride, you think that you must wait for the other person to apologize first before you can make up.  Put two strong personalities together and this strategy can lead to lots of silence.

What to do instead ~ Compete to see who can be the first to apologize.  Yes, really.  Only for the strong of heart!

Make Up Barrier 2 ~ The right to be right.  This is a nice cousin to pride.  Fighting for the right to be right can cause people to argue and say things they don't even believe,...just to get it right!

What to do instead ~ Realize that fighting to be right means you get to be right at the expense of the relationship.  Giving up being right is the act of a strong person.

Make Up Barrier 3 ~ I don't know what to say.  Some people don't know how to make up because they actually don't know what to say!  So, instead they stay stuck and wait, depending on the other person to make the first move.

What to do instead ~ I don't really like it when we argue.  I'm sorry, let's make up.  And then let's talk about how to not have this happen again.

The next time there is a distance in the relationship due to any of these barriers , grab the above tips.

My Concise View of the Foregoing:

           NOTIFICATION ~ telling the other person what is upsetting and disturbing.   

           NEGOTIATION  ~ listen, understand; peacefully discuss solutions.

           AGREEMENT ~ through compromise and a willingness to accept and forgive. 

.                    

.4 Ways to become a Better Listener

(twoofus.org)

Communication between individuals can be a powerful tool ~  it can nurture positive feelings of love, admiration and respect...or it can create negative emotions such as hurt feelings and anger.  Leaning an effective way to communicate will help prevent conflict  form damaging your relationship.  The following rules are meant to give you additional tools to help your communication as a couple.

Rule 1: Listen ~ This rule is pretty straight forward but is also often easier said than done.  You must be prepared to actively listen to what is being said.  This means that...you are not talking or planning a response to what your partner is saying.  Active listening conveys that  you've understood what the speaker is saying. Make sure your body language signals that  you are listening intently to your partner.  An active listener...focuses their attention on the speaker; this may require that you look beyond the words or tone in order to uncover the tree essence of their message.

Rule 2: Stop pause, replay ~ After the speaker has communicated his point...pause to reflect on what has been said.  Replay in your own words what  you believe the speaker tried to communicate...this lets the speaker know that their communication has been received  and you've understood what they said.

Rule 3: Replay,not rebuttal ~ As tempting as it can be to use your  replay moment as an opportunity to further state  your point or voice a disagreement...doing so is actually counterproductive.  It pits one person's opinion against the other's.  The typical outcome is that one person feels like they won the argument (and of course, the other person loses).

Rule 4:  The art of understanding ~ Conveying that you understand what has been said shows your partner that you are paying attention.  It produces a feeling of validation for your partner.  Showing that you understand their message also communicates that sharing sensitive thoughts and feelings with  you can be done without fear of criticism or attack.  Keep the give and take of communication functional.  Being an attentive listener means that you have understood what your partner has said.  It does not, however, necessarily indicate that you agree with what they said.  If  your feeling or point of view is different...wait until you are the speaker...before sharing your perspective!

Carole Ann Tidey...Hamilton's Beauty Queen,

                                            became Miss Dominion of Canada in 1965. 

Jon Wells of the Hamilton Spectator in a recent interview with her wrote: "At 18, she knew everything. Today, she is wise enough to know that she knows little...apart from a few truths."

One thing I believe is that you need to find your core values

 and if you go against them, you are damaging yourself
and people around you. To me, it's about leading
 a principle-driven life and letting go of the outcomes.

And to remember that the conscious mind and the physical things 
around us are only a small part of what we actually can perceive.

“Quotes of Wisdom”

The more a man knows ~ the more he forgives.

(Catherine the Great)

Control your temper through concentration and patience.

Control everyday evil/crime through rules/authority.

Those who control their hearts to reject anger

deserve the greatest praise of all.

(Kymer Proverb)

Crafted by Merle Baird-Kerr...May 22, 2013

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