Drunks are defined as
persons affected by alcohol to the extent of losing control of their
faculties or behaviour; they are persons who habitually drink to
excess. Numerous words are used to describe them: inebriated,
intoxicated, 'under the influence', smashed, bombed, tanked,
totalled, tipsy, buzzed, seeing double, plastered, slammed, 'three
sheets to the wind', laced, soused, toasted, trashed, etc.
Fear of Flying
To you readers, I relate
a personal experience occurring February, 1986. In Real Estate sales,
George from my office and I had won a weekend jaunt to Las
Vegas...along with Sue from our Oakville branch office. We each
could take another person for ½ price of the total Thursday to
Sunday mini-holiday. George took his wife, Carmen…Sue took her
daughter, Donna…and I took my son in 3rd University
year. Sue, terrified of flying, tasked Donna to take her to the
airport bar to get her properly ‘drunk’ before boarding the
plane. Donna, herself remaining sober, accompanied her inebriated
mother to the gate to take care of the boarding passes. Arriving in
Las Vegas, Sue was totally ‘wiped out’ so remained in the hotel
room that evening…while we others…went out on the town! On our
return flight Sunday, Donna took her mother, Sue, to get ‘soused
again’ to ready her for the boarding of plane home.
I think that getting
drunk is the key to flying comfortably.
A couple of ‘Bloody
Mary’s…or several glasses of champagne…
and suddenly it’s
like you’re on a roller coaster.
Amanda Peet
Drunken Cowboy
An apparent drunken
cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Moose Jaw
theatre (Alberta). When the usher came by and noticed him, he
whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, Sir, but you’re only allowed one
seat.” The cowboy just groaned, but didn’t budge. The usher
became more impatient and insistent: “SIR, if you don’t get up
from there…I’m going to call the MANAGER!”
Once again, the cowboy
just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle…and in a
moment he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them
tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just
laid there in a dazed stupor. Finally they had enough and called the
police.
A RCMP officer arrived…surveyed the
situation briefly, then asked, “Alright, buddy, what’s your
name?” The cowboy moaned, “Sam.” The officer asked, “Sam,
where ya all from?” With terrible pain in his voice…a grim
expression…and without moving a muscle, Sam said, “The Balcony!”
It takes only one drink
to get me drunk.
The trouble is…I
can’t remember if it’s the 13th or 14th.
(George Burns)
You’re not drunk if
you can lie on the floor without holding on. (Dean Martin)
An American monkey,
after getting drunk on brandy would never touch it again…
and this is much wiser
than most men. (Charles Darwin)
It’s useless to hold
a person to one thing
while he’s in love,
drunk or running for office. (Shirley MacLaine)
Grant stood by me when
I was crazy…and I stood by him when he was drunk.
Now, we stand by each
other. (William Tecumseh Sherman)
Weaving Driver
A police officer pulls over this guy
who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the
guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this
breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry,
officer, I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll
have an asthma attack!
“Okay, fine. I need
you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that
either…I’m a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death!”
“Well, then, we need a
urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer.
I can’t do that either. I’m also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll
get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I
need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do
that…officer!” The officer questioned, “Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk!”
We all look for
happiness…but don’t know where to find it:
like drunkards who look
for their house…
knowing dearly that
they have one. (Voltaire)
The Designated Program
~ it’s not a desirable job.
But, if you are not
rushed into doing it…have a little fun!
At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong houses.
(Jeff Foxworthy)
Alcohol is not in my
Vodkabulary.
However, I looked it up
on Whiskeypedia
and learned that if you
drink too much of it
it’s likely Tequilya!
(Anonymous)
Compiled by Merle
Baird-Kerr…January 12, 2015
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