Saturday, January 7, 2017

Drunks...With Many Excuses

Drunks are defined as persons affected by alcohol to the extent of losing control of their faculties or behaviour; they are persons who habitually drink to excess. Numerous words are used to describe them: inebriated, intoxicated, 'under the influence', smashed, bombed, tanked, totalled, tipsy, buzzed, seeing double, plastered, slammed, 'three sheets to the wind', laced, soused, toasted, trashed, etc.

Fear of Flying

To you readers, I relate a personal experience occurring February, 1986. In Real Estate sales, George from my office and I had won a weekend jaunt to Las Vegas...along with Sue from our Oakville branch office. We each could take another person for ½ price of the total Thursday to Sunday mini-holiday. George took his wife, Carmen…Sue took her daughter, Donna…and I took my son in 3rd University year. Sue, terrified of flying, tasked Donna to take her to the airport bar to get her properly ‘drunk’ before boarding the plane. Donna, herself remaining sober, accompanied her inebriated mother to the gate to take care of the boarding passes. Arriving in Las Vegas, Sue was totally ‘wiped out’ so remained in the hotel room that evening…while we others…went out on the town! On our return flight Sunday, Donna took her mother, Sue, to get ‘soused again’ to ready her for the boarding of plane home.

I think that getting drunk is the key to flying comfortably.
A couple of ‘Bloody Mary’s…or several glasses of champagne…
and suddenly it’s like you’re on a roller coaster.
Amanda Peet

Drunken Cowboy

An apparent drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Moose Jaw theatre (Alberta). When the usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, Sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy just groaned, but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient and insistent: “SIR, if you don’t get up from there…I’m going to call the MANAGER!”

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle…and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor. Finally they had enough and called the police.

A RCMP officer arrived…surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, “Alright, buddy, what’s your name?” The cowboy moaned, “Sam.” The officer asked, “Sam, where ya all from?” With terrible pain in his voice…a grim expression…and without moving a muscle, Sam said, “The Balcony!”

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is…I can’t remember if it’s the 13th or 14th. (George Burns)

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. (Dean Martin)

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy would never touch it again…
and this is much wiser than most men. (Charles Darwin)

It’s useless to hold a person to one thing
while he’s in love, drunk or running for office. (Shirley MacLaine)

Grant stood by me when I was crazy…and I stood by him when he was drunk.
Now, we stand by each other. (William Tecumseh Sherman)

Weaving Driver

A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have an asthma attack!
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either…I’m a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death!”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer. I can’t do that either. I’m also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that…officer!” The officer questioned, “Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk!”
We all look for happiness…but don’t know where to find it:
like drunkards who look for their house…
knowing dearly that they have one. (Voltaire)

The Designated Program ~ it’s not a desirable job.
But, if you are not rushed into doing it…have a little fun!
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong houses.
(Jeff Foxworthy)

Alcohol is not in my Vodkabulary.
However, I looked it up on Whiskeypedia
and learned that if you drink too much of it
it’s likely Tequilya!

Compiled by Merle Baird-Kerr…January 12, 2015
Comments are welcome…email to:

1 comment:

  1. MY SON COMMENTS: Officer pulls over obvious drunkard:
    Officer: "Anything to drink tonight?"
    Drunk: "I'm not drink, Occifer!"
    Officer: "Say the alphabet backwards."
    Drunk: "I can't even do that when I'm sober!"