A
recent news clip from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan states:
Developer
Wants Biblical Park with Noah's Ark.
This prompted me to assemble the following article about
interpretations
and imagination from both old and young.
A Chinese businessman wants to build a Biblical theme park in
southern Saskatchewan complete with a massive replica of Noah's Ark.
The yet-to-be-named park...will feature a 3-storey boat containing
animal reproductions. Workers from China would be brought over to
spend 4 years building the park at a cost of about $1.2 million.
Noah
Today
(with thanks to Jeanne for this submission to me)
In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in New
Brunswick and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated...and I see the end of all flesh before me.
“Build
another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints saying, “You have 6 months to build the
Ark after which I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard...but no Ark. “Noah!” he roared, “I'm
about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive
me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.
“I
needed a Building Permit.
I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by
building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height
limitations.
We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a 'variance'.
Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed
load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other
overhead obstructions to clear the Passage for the Ark's move to the
sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us...but they would
hear nothing of it.
“Getting
the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting trees in
order to save the Great Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood and would save the
owls...but no go!
“When
I started gathering the animals, the SPCA took me to court! They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive...and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
“Then
Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed
flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.
Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who
want to work.
The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized my
assets...claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species.
So forgive me, Lord,
but
it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared...the sun began to shine...and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Looking up in wonder, Noah asked, “You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?”
“No,”
said the Lord.
“The
Government beat me to it.
AMEN!”
(Throughout the foregoing conversation between God and Noah, colour
photos accompanied their discussion...beginning with a peaceful
ocean...then a dark overhead cloud begins to cover the sky...tumbling
waters begin to roil with the winds and lightning strikes the
ocean...more darkening clouds arrive...next is a heavy sky creating
almost darkness...streaks of lightning attack the nearby coastal
town...and Nature has taken an evil turn...trees sway and buildings
are damaged...the rain falls in diagonal sheets as it hits the ocean
waters...followed by more lightning-strikes.
When the skies clear, a tree-winding roadway comes into view
and Lo and Behold: a glorious rainbow fully arcs over the horizon!)
Book
Report on the Entire Bible
(submitted to me by Meg)
This one is priceless, especially when you know the Bible well
enough to recognize all the 'word play'.
Enjoy this Book Report on the entire Bible by a Grade 6 child...as
requested by the classroom teacher.
In the beginning, which occurred at the start, there was nothing
but God...darkness...and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord, thy
God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway,
God said, “Give me a light,” and someone did. Then God made the
world. He split Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked...but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by
eating one bad apple...so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have
cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel. Pretty soon, all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the
next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but
they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah, came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat. Another really important Bible guy is
Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel
Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharoah after God sent
then plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs,
mice, lice, bowels and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave
them his Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat,
smoke, dance or covet your neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just
thought of one more: Humour thy father and your mother. One of
Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with
a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I
guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament
came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He
was born in Bethlehem in a barn (I wish I had been born in a barn
too, because my mom is always sayaing to me, “Close the door! Were
you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, “As a matter of
fact, I was!”
During his life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named him
a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys
put Jesus on the trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick
up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the Book of Revolution.
Written by Merle Baird-Kerr...September 23, 2016
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