Monday, November 21, 2016

Biblical Renditions

A recent news clip from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan states:
Developer Wants Biblical Park with Noah's Ark.
This prompted me to assemble the following article about interpretations
and imagination from both old and young.

A Chinese businessman wants to build a Biblical theme park in southern Saskatchewan complete with a massive replica of Noah's Ark. The yet-to-be-named park...will feature a 3-storey boat containing animal reproductions. Workers from China would be brought over to spend 4 years building the park at a cost of about $1.2 million.
Noah Today
(with thanks to Jeanne for this submission to me)

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in New Brunswick and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated...and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark after which I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard...but no Ark. “Noah!” he roared, “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.
I needed a Building Permit.
I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a 'variance'.
Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us...but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting trees in order to save the Great Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood and would save the owls...but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA took me to court! They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive...and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.
The Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized my assets...claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So forgive me, Lord,
but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared...the sun began to shine...and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Looking up in wonder, Noah asked, “You mean you're not going to destroy the world?”
No,” said the Lord.
The Government beat me to it.

(Throughout the foregoing conversation between God and Noah, colour photos accompanied their discussion...beginning with a peaceful ocean...then a dark overhead cloud begins to cover the sky...tumbling waters begin to roil with the winds and lightning strikes the ocean...more darkening clouds is a heavy sky creating almost darkness...streaks of lightning attack the nearby coastal town...and Nature has taken an evil turn...trees sway and buildings are damaged...the rain falls in diagonal sheets as it hits the ocean waters...followed by more lightning-strikes.
When the skies clear, a tree-winding roadway comes into view
and Lo and Behold: a glorious rainbow fully arcs over the horizon!)

Book Report on the Entire Bible
(submitted to me by Meg)
This one is priceless, especially when you know the Bible well enough to recognize all the 'word play'.
Enjoy this Book Report on the entire Bible by a Grade 6 requested by the classroom teacher.

In the beginning, which occurred at the start, there was nothing but God...darkness...and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord, thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Give me a light,” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked...but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon, all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah, came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another really important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharoah after God sent then plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and your mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always sayaing to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was!”

During his life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named him a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on the trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the Book of Revolution.

Written by Merle Baird-Kerr...September 23, 2016


  1. SHERRIE Comments: "A very entertaining read today, Merle."

  2. Thank you, Sherrie for your interest.
    Various viewpoints on a given topic are always of significance...seen through human eyes and minds.

  3. MEG Comments: "I'm so delighted you posted this...
    now I understand the Bible!"