Monday, January 28, 2013

Religious Humour

 An ardent reader recently sent me this first story
which fits well with todays type of humour:

Catholic Horses:
(A "punter" is  ~ one who punts a football
                         one who is a speculator in the stock market
                         one who oars, propels or poles a punt (pontoon)
                         one who is a gambler...amateur on horse racing)
A punter was at the horse races, playing the ponies, and all but losing
his shirt. He noticed a Priest, dressed in his religious robes, step on the 
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up at the 4th race. 
 Lo, and behold ~ that horse ~ a long shot ~ won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped on the track.   
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.  The punter made a beeline 
to the betting window and placed a small bet  on the horse.   
Again, even though it was another long shot", the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the 
Priest would bless next.  He bet BIG  on itand it won!  As the jockey 
races continued, the Priest kept blessing long shots and each one 
ended up winning. 

The punter was elated!  He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all 
his savings and waited for the Priests blessing that would tell him upon 
which horse to bet. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped on the track for 
the last race and blessed the forehead, the eyes, ears and hooves of the 
old nag.  The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent  he owned 
on the old nag.

He intently watched, dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.   
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest sat.   
Confronting Him, he demanded “Father!  What happened?   
All day long  you blessed horses and they all won!
Then at the last race, the horse you blessed, lost by a mile!   
Now, thanks to you, Ive lost every cent of my savings!

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
Son, he said, thats the problem with  you Protestants. 
You cant tell the difference between a simple blessing and the
 last rites!

 The Confession:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to the priest, 
I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest asked, “What do you mean...almost?”

The Irishman replied, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then 
I stopped.

The priest stated, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see 
that woman again!  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional and said his prayers; then walked over to the 
poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that!   
You didn't put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,  and according 
to you, that's the same as putting it in!”

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went  to Confession.  
Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, 
 for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven”.

The young woman commented further, “Last night my boyfriend made made 
passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then stated, “Squeeze seven lemons 
into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off your face.”

A Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.   
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once 
in a while, the lights would turn off.  Each time the lights would go out, 
the place would erupt with cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.   
She walked  to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”   
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a 
naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in  that case, I'll just look the other way,” said the nun. 
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out...and the whole place stopped just 
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.  She went to the bartender 
and spoke, “Sir, I don't understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because 
I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you're one of us,” said the bartender.   
Would you like a drink?” 
“No thank you, but I still don't  understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf 
on that statue, the lights go out. 

“Now, how about that drink?”

Strange Floater

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness 
to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she 
welcomed him into her Victorian parlour.  She invited him to have a seat while 
she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old  pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl
 sitting on top of it filled with water.  In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea 
had flipped!  But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.  The pastor tried to 
stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the 
best of him, and he could resist no longer.

“Miss Bea,” he said,”I wonder if you would tell me about this,”  pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking down town last fall 
and I found this little package.  It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, 
and it would prevent disease.  And you know, I think it is working.  
 I haven't had a cold all winter.”

Adam's Underwear

A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered 
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.   
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf 
that had been pressed between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got, dear?" she inquired.
With astonishment in the young boy's eyes, he answered, "Adam's underwear!"

“Pearl of Wisdom”
The old believe everything.
The middle age suspect everything.
The young know everything!
(Oscar Wilde)

Merle Baird-Kerr . . . written October 30, 2011
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