Sunday, January 13, 2013

Religious Humour II

 God had Problems, Too

God created Children ... and in the Process, Grandchildren.

To those of us who have children in our lives
whether they are our own Grandchildren, Nieces/Nephews or students,
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort 
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.   
After heaven, and  earth, God created Adam and Eve.   
And the first thing  he said was, “DON'T”!

“Don't What?” Adam asked.
“Don't eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.
Adam spoke, “Forbidden fruit?  We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve,
we have forbidden fruit!” “No Way!” stated Eve. “Yes, Way!” responded Adam.
“Do NOT eat the fruit!” God said.  “Why?” asked Adam.
“Why? Because I am your Father and I said so,” God replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!
“Didn't I tell you NOT to eat the fruit?”, God asked.
“Uh, huh,” Adam replied.  “Then why did  you?”, enquired the Father.
“I don't know,” said Eve. 
“She started it!” Adam shouted. “Did not,” argued Eve.  “Did too,” argued Adam.
“DID NOT!”, finalized Eve.

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was 
that Adam and Eve  should have their own children.   
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried 
to give your children wisdom,
and they  haven't taken it ... don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Pearl of Wisdom
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring
close-knit familyin another city.
(George Burns)

Kids in Church

                               3-year old Reese:  Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
                                                               Harold is his name.

A little boy was overheard praying,
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry  about it.
I’m having a good time like I am.”

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
“That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted  to stay with you guys.”

One particular four-year old prayed,
“And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A Sunday school teacher asked  her children
as they were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied,
“Because people are sleeping.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral reason.
“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
“Let my brother  have the first pancake, I can wait.”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
“Ryan…you be Jesus!”

A father was at the beach with his children.
when the four-year old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the ‘Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then inquired,
“Did God throw him back down?”

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their 6-year old daughter and said,
“Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and began,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday morning and the priest almost 
fell down when he saw him.  He'd never been to church in his life.   
After Mass, the priest caught up with himand said, “Murphy, I am so glad 
ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back I misplaced my hat.  
I know that  McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every 
Sunday.  I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass 
and figured he would leave it in the back of the Church.   
So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.”

The priest said, “Well,  Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.   
What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I  heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, 
I decided that I didn't need to steal  McGlynn's hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, 
“After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', ya decided you would rather do 
without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head.  “No, Father, after ya talked about  
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left my hat!”

Moose Steak!
While Newfie's Some Smart, You Can't Outsmart Us!!!

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Victor, being Newfie 
would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.  But all Victor's 
neighbours  were Catholic.  And since it was Lent, they were forbidden 
from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem 
for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.   
The priest came to visit Victor...and suggested that he become a Catholic.   
After several classes and much study, Victor attended Mass...
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant,
but now you are a Catholic.

Victor's neighbours were greatly relieved until Friday night arrived...
and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.   
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours...and as he rushed into 
Victor's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped 
and watched in amazement.

         There stood Victor, clutching a small bottle of holy water which 
he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 
You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose,
but now you is a Codfish!”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

“Pearl of Wisdom”
Each challenge adds to the suspense, adds to the mystery
adds to the chaos, adds to the possibilities, adds to the romance
adds to the adventure, adds to the joy!
I say that anything that adds to the joy, should be embraced.
(from The Universe)

Merle Baird-Kerr . . . written February 23, 2012
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