Defined by
dictionary, a crossroad is a point at which a crucial decision
must be
made that will have
far-reaching consequences;
also defined as a
place where 2 or more roads meet e.g. an intersection.
* A recent article, Silver
Splitters...(the baby boomers who have it all and still aren't happy, at least
not together) was sent me by a long time acquaintance which has prompted me
to write of a past personal experience... hoping that you (or friends) will gain support and
respect in similar circumstances.
I Do! I Do!
We met at a dance studio. He was learning to foxtrot and waltz...and I
to master tango, cha cha and samba. He
was a research chemist and I a teacher.
Well educated, as I was, our match seemed romance-bound. We discovered similar interests! He had skied in his home country, had played
tennis at McMaster, and was a philatelist (collecting stamps was a new hobby I
might entertain.) He indicated he enjoyed
theatrical stage productions. A chess player he was...and bridge was my
game. Within two years we married. In those days, living together prior to
marriage, was not universally accepted. As Mr. and Mrs. we settled into 24/7
daily routines; each became aware of unknown attitudes and habits of the
other. In lengthy discussions, 1 of 3
results occurs:: acceptance...compromise...or an ego-driven attitude that
takes precedence. Within a few years, we had a son and daughter, whom we loved
dearly. This we considered our “perfect family.”
To Be? or Not To Be!
After about 10 years of marriage,
our roads seemed to travel in different
directions. He cared not to share
my interests...although I tried to learn and play chess; I began stamp collections of “cats around the
world” and stamps portraying Japanese art; I attempted to learn Spanish (his
mother tongue). Negative attitudes
(common with him) that I hadn't foreseen, developed and began to 'rub off’ on
our son. In group gatherings, he just couldn’t circulate to enjoy himself…attendees
found him unfriendly.
Questions arose in my mind: Is this marriage to be? Or is it not to
be? There is little compatibility
between us anymore! There's nothing left
to bind us together…except our children.
Do I stay in this marriage for the sake of them? Do I want to be married to him for the rest
of my life? It seems impossible to make this marriage work. My mother, sister and aunt would be appalled
if we separated and later divorced. Our
son and daughter are grand children, nephew and niece to my closest relatives.
Divorce was not a practised word in their vocabularies.
This is My Life...and I only have
One to Live! How do I want to spend the
rest of my life??? After 16 years, I
came to a decision. He was unhappy, at
the point of being miserable and I was becoming depressed. Negative attitudes
were affecting our teenage son. He was
also being “bullied” by senior school students which profoundly affected his
proven advanced intellect...to the point of almost failing Grade 8. I interceded with the school principal to
“pass” him into High School and I would
take the responsibility for what happened to him in Grade 9. I was motivated to
DO something. The message to me was clear! MOVE!
The easiest course of
action…is to do nothing...
then, be prepared for
the same previous results!
(Lesson I’ve learned
over many years.)
* The author of the above mentioned
article stated, “The important thing is that I'm wholeheartedly sure that
divorce can be a good thing. Why would
you stay with someone just because you fear living alone? You both maybe can't stand each other and
haven't for some time. It can lead to
depression and anxiety when you are not connecting with someone. There’s nothing more miserable than being
lonely in a marriage.”
One evening my husband and I
discussed our “separate lives” with my suggestion to obtain a “legal
separation.” He asked, “Why?” My reply
was, “ So we could both attain some happiness in our lives!” He responded with, “You'll never be
happy.” To him, I stated that it was not
for him to judge and that we both have lives to live...and between us, there is
no happiness to share except our children.
Reluctantly, he agreed stating, “I seem to have fallen off the wagon and
can't get back on.” Over the years, peoples’ identities change which often
disrupts the original roads trod together.
I agree with the
Dalai Lama’s words:
Happiness is not something ready-made.
It comes from your own actions.
A Heroine?
(A woman of
distinguished courage or ability, admired for her brave deeds.)
At this moment, I
felt like no heroine ~ implementing the breakup of our marriage.
Plans now had to be
set into action....now for the obstacles to overcome!
Job: I must return to full time
teaching...since I had been off for 5 years to be home with our children. At
that time, there were no full time openings in any local schools. A career change became mandatory. Real Estate projected an opportunity,
securing a receptionist position working for the developer of Lakeside Village
in Stoney Creek, a condominium concept of 10 or more buildings plus
recreational facilities to be built.
While there, I challenged myself to study the 3 phases of Real Estate by
night school courses...this arranged, so my husband was home with the children
while I qualified as a Sales Representative.
New Home: A Government sponsored program for First
Time Home Buyers was in place with an interest free loan of $5000 to be repaid
at the end of a five-year period. This
became my down payment on a new house to be built in Brant Hills...a new
subdivision north of the QEW. I bought a
two-storey 3 bedroom semi-detached home (sight unseen)...from house plan on
paper and selected a deep lot for its location on Manchester Drive.
Informing My Children: Prior to moving, I had a necessary
conversation with them paralleling my situation with one of my son's friends,
whereby their friendship had ended....reason being that he and Eddie had
nothing in common interests any more.
This, they understood, but lacked the reality of Mom and Dad calling their marriage
“quits”...a child, even teens, believe parents are around forever. I fully explained they could talk with and
visit their Dad at any time other than school days...and that he would forever
be their father. Hopefully we would all see family improvement in a new
environment.
New Schools: Our Brant Hills home enabled both
children to attend new schools. Academically, in Grade 9.he excelled. Vitally
interested he was in the Music Program and joined the Computer Club. (Today, as a graduate from the University of Windsor, holding a degree in Computer Science, he works as a
Technical Analyst). While attending M. M. Robinson High School he had a paper
route and maintained summer jobs. My
daughter made new friendships and was
truly happy. She attended College and
became a financial planner.
Letters: To my mother, sister and aunt, I wrote
similar letters detailing reasons for our legal separation, the move to a new
address and new telephone number. Because I wanted no interference from them
regarding my decision, I hadn’t previously informed them. These letters I mailed to them after I
moved. My sister called in a few
days...my mother and aunt in about 10 days.
Stolen Goods: While waiting for the opportune time to
move, I had purchased a bedroom suite, a few furniture pieces and lamps,
draperies and accessories plus dishes for the kitchen. These I stored in a locker and covered with
blankets at The Shoreliner where I worked.
When my moving van went to retrieve these items, we discovered the
locker had been broken into and all items stolen. Such a disappointment and
loss of money spent!
Friendly Communication: In cases of Legal Separation and Divorce,
it is most important to retain a good relationship with the other parent. “Be kind to each other,” is the philosophy to
follow in the best interest of the children.
After I moved, my husband became very saddened and discouraged. He
needed to leave the premises in which we had lived. His name I placed on waiting
lists at apartment buildings on the lake
and had assurances from him that if any called, he would go to view said unit. Fortunately, an apartment overlooking Lake
Ontario became available and he was delighted to move. This location lifted his spirits
immensely…reminding him of the Pacific Ocean he had so frequently visited.
Since he had no sense of décor and colour, I decorated his apartment for him.
Request for Divorce: A
couple years following our Legal
Separation, he came to see me. He had met a former friend from University
days with whom he’d reconnected. Her
marriage with two boys had fallen apart. My husband asked if I’d agree to a
divorce so he could marry her. I was
happy for him; he agreed to pay for the uncontested divorce…using the same
lawyer who handled our Legal Separation.
For him it was a marriage where he would live as happily as he was able
to…for the remainder of his life.
Nora Ephron, who spent a lot of
time writing about divorce, stated, “A good thing about divorce is that it
makes clear something that marriage obscures ~ that you are on your own!”
I felt now at this
stage, perhaps…I have been a “Heroine”!
We arranged our Legal Separation amicably (before the s___
hit the fan!)
I challenged myself to change careers when no opening for
full time teachers.
The Government subsidized Program enabled my home purchase.
My son and daughter were happily in new schools and making
new friends.
My ex-husband had remarried and seemed content.
My three prime relatives had accepted and seen the reality
of my decisions.
The neighbours were understandingly friendly in this new community
environment.
Now…the Question is how to
convince ME to feel like a Heroine!
This is not easy!
Sometimes, you just have to die a little inside
in order to be “reborn” and “rise again” as a wiser version of you.
(Author Unknown)
I have a commission paying job;
with no closings, I have no income.
There are mortgage payments,
property taxes, utilities; car maintenance, insurance, gas.
Activities for my children with minimal financial support
from their father.
My bridge club friends show some rejection…first of 8 on the road to divorce.
They and a few other friends, make me feel “like a loser” ~ I
refuse to succumb!
While other close friends
continued to befriend me and were sympathetic,
visiting their families, I felt
like a 3rd or 5th wheel. Gradually, invitations ceased
from them.
My son asked me once why I didn’t
invite a neighbouring family
with 2 small children for a Sunday dinner (a testy question to understandably answer).
When their little girl died of a rare disease, we bought a tree for them to plant in their yard
...they were so eternally grateful.
I was BUSY working (with often
Sunday Open Houses)…performing dual parent roles during the week…raising
children who shared chores…caring for home and property…grocery shopping,
etc. Time spent with them was Imperative! Although busy, it was so easy to
convince myself that…”My life is a Job and My Life is a Responsibility.! What can I do? How can I achieve the best for my children? How can I achieve the best
for me?” These Crossroads can be quite besetting!
I Must! I Must! I Must!
I MUST pick myself up! I MUST
take charge! I MUST redesign my life! I MUST create a new lifestyle! I MUST rebuild…as homeowners do when their
house is ravaged by storms…as a road needs repair when a “sink hole” appears…as
my car requires oil and lubrication! Only I can help me! And I
did!
I took special interest in major activities
of both my son and daughter…this was Our Time Together! Whether an equestrian event for her…a ski day or fairway game of golf with my son.
I swallowed my Pride…I
found the Strength…I Got On With Life!
We all pursue Happiness, but it’s very elusive.
You cannot let Life slip by!
You have to take action ~ one way or the other!
(from a novel…The Horseman)
Merle Baird-Kerr … written July 1, 2013
To comment…scroll
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or e-mail…inezkate@gmail.com
Summary: Both men and
women are affected by relationship breakups (and more so the children.)
They feel loneliness and incapable of living
on their own.
They
fear anxiety of what their friends will
say.
They
fear lost friendships and loss of personal esteem.
They
fear starting over…and some fear failure.
Most women fear to leave unhappy situations.
Solutions: Assess
and analyze the situation; then design a workable plan.
Escape the woes (negative)…for a walk into the future (positive)!
Open your mind to optimism by building a new lifestyle.
Select new hobbies and recreation.
Create a new circle of friends.
And VOILA!
The Doors to Happiness will
re-open!
