“The Best Dads get promoted to Grandads”
“Being a grandparent means that you'll finally have someone
who will listen to your boring stories.” (Unknown author)
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own...they like other people's.
A Grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks'.
They don't say, “Hurry up'.
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like, “Why isn't God married? And how come dogs chase cats?”
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
They know we should have a snack time before bedtime; they say prayers with us and kiss us even if we have acted badly.
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks...and they blame the dog.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television in your room.
Grandpa is the SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS.
Grandparents' Answering Machine
Good Morning...at present we are not home; but, please leave your message after the beep.
If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3.
If you want to wash your clothes, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.
If you need money, press 9.
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theatre, start talking. We are listening!!!
(Thanks to Dilu...courtesy of the foregoing)
“For Better of For Worse” Cartoon
When the parents are away for a few days, Grandma and Grandpa looked after the children. When they returned home to their family, Mom says to Elizabeth, “I want you in bed by 8:00 pm.” With a scowl on her face, she replies, “Grandma said I could stay up until 8:30 pm.” Dad speaks to their son who is playing with his toys at bedtime, “Michael, Put away those toys!” To which, Michael snarls, “Grandpa said I could do it tomorrow!” The younger girl, to delay bedtime, is enjoying a bowl of sugary cereal. Mom asks, “You're having cereal? But, it's bedtime!” Child replies, “Grandma said it was OK.”
After the children are in bed, Mom and Dad are exhausted ~
and sitting on the sofa, state, “There are too many parents in this house!”
(Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils
how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but it is strapped to the ground. They ride around on their three-wheeled tricycles and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are any more. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go to the gate at their park, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars. Sometimes, when they can sneak out, they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she's forgotten how. Some people are so retarded, they don't know how to cook at all. So now, nobody there cooks...they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night...'early birds'. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and they call it 'potted luck'.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out...so they can visit their grandchildren.
(With thanks to Jeanne for this child's concept of his grandparents)
Needing 'legal representation' a child in overalls sits in the 'time-out' corner...
his basket of stuffed animals beside him, and says, “I'm gonna appeal this case
all the way to Grandma! (from a cartoon)
“The only thing better than having you for parents,
is my children having you for Grandparents!”
Merle Baird-Kerr...scripted August 7, 2015
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