Thursday, August 13, 2015

Family Life Challenge

Psychologists state, “The human brain is not fully developed until the age of 25.”
They further state: “Legal Adults (those age 18+) are allowed to make adult decisions...without fully mature brains. Someone who is 18 may make riskier decisions than someone in their mid 20's, in part due to lack of experience, but primarily due to an underdeveloped brain. All behaviours and experiences you endure until the age of 25 have potential to impact your developing brain.”

Hold Your Teen Accountable or He Will Hold You Hostage,”
writes Gary Direnfield...a local social worker.

The question to him from a parent:
Our 16-year-old teen is refusing to get a job this summer and says he's earned the right to sit around and do nothing if he wants. He says he's through school for the year and this is his vacation. I want him to get a job! Usually, when he sits around, it's to play video games and hang out with his friends. He's never had a job can I make him to get out there and search?”

At 16 years of age, there is really very little you can make your son (or daughter) do. The most you can do is to influence their decisions. How much influence you have depends upon the quality of your relationship with your teen. Typically, teens who think they can get away with whatever they want, do so because they have already been doing so. Often parents inadvertently train them for this by 'giving in' over the years. If finally, you want to hold them 'accountable' , then you must hold true to your expectations. And they will challenge you just being a teenager...and likely have done this for some time to avoid your expectations...and succeeded.

Speak reasonably with your son.
Be clear about your expectations.
Set out your consequences for when he balks.
Remain calm and in control of yourself. If you back down from either your specified expectations or your consequences, your teen will continue to hold you hostage!

You many need to support him in making a not do it for him. As example, he can be coached for something like hockey; in the end he must play the game...not you!”

If you want your children to keep their feet on the ground,
put some responsibility on their shoulders.
(Abigail Buren)

Defusing the 'Teen Eye Roll' Takes Patience and Fortitude
writes Nancy Maes ~ published in Chicago Tribune:

When teens 'roll their eyes' the meaning of their nonverbal message is not hard for parents to decode. When it first starts appearing, it often ushers in a new chapter of the child-parent relationship. “It's important to understand that teenagers are going through a time of change and are hyper-sensitive, because they're in a very raw period of time, developmentally, when they are trying to separate from their families and become individuals,” says psychologist Alexandra Barzvi.

Any time they feel like you're judging them or criticizing them or are angry with them, they feel vulnerable and break the lines of communication. Rolling their eyes is their way of expressing their disagreement, frustration and/or resentment with what you're saying or doing.

Between the ages of 6 and 12, children are pleasant...and they listen better and develop interests and they're still very affectionate and think their parents are great. When teens start to pull away from their parents, it's a very abrupt rupture. The phase will end, eventually. When a teenager 'rolls her/his eyes' during a conversation, a parent should control the urge to call out the behaviour and tell the teen to stop. Rather, stand and wait until the insolent, albeit nonverbal, reaction stops before continuing the conversation. When you attend to negative behaviour, it increases because they know it annoys you. Teens, just like three-year-olds, know when they're misbehaving. By waiting, you let them know that their behaviour is unwelcome.
Instead: Suggest a timeout until your teen is calmer.
You can say, 'I'm trying to talk to you and I can see that you're not interested;
so why don't I come back later.
You'll get more bang for your buck, if you try to help teens understand the emotions that they're trying to communicate underneath the 'the eye-rolling'. This approach shows that you recognize your child is frustrated or unhappy...and that you're there to listen when she/he is ready to talk.

Parents of teens have to make sure their own identity is well-shored up from other places. Ideally, they have hobbies, a community of peers or friends, a spouse they like, a spiritual that when the kids exit stage left, the stage is not empty.”
Many parents fail to realize
that their responsibility, when raising children,
is to prepare them for adulthood.
(Author Unknown)

Merle Baird-Kerr...written June 27, 2015
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