Thursday, July 12, 2012

People Humour

 Don't Talk to my Parrot

A woman's dishwasher  quit working, so she called in a repairman. 
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman she'd leave the key
under the mat. “Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter and
I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog, Spike.
He won't bother you. But, whatever  you do, do NOT, under any circumstances,
talk to my parrot!
I must stress to you...DO NOT SPEAK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's home the following day, he discovered
the biggest, meanest looking bull dog he had ever seen.  But, just a she had  said,
the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

 The parrot, however, drove him “nuts” the whole time with his messages...
yelling...cursing...and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and shouted, “SHUT UP, YOU STUPID UGLY BIRD...
to which the parrot replied, 'GET HIM SPIKE!”
(Men just don't Listen!!!)

Newfoundland Wisdom

Bruce went to a psychiatrist.  “I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed, I think
there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.  “Come talk with
me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do  you charge?” asked Bruce.  “Eighty dollars a visit,” quoted
the doctor.  “I'll sleep on it,” said Bruce.  Six months went by.

Later the doctor met him on the street.  “Why didn't you come to see me, Bruce,
about those fears  you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Well, eighty bucks  a visit three times a week for a whole year is an awful lot
of money!” answered Bruce.  “A Newfoundland buddy cured me for $10 and
a 12-pack.  He's an entrepreneur...knowing how to create, amend and fix things.
I was so happy saving all that money that I went and bought a new pickup.”

“Is that so?  And how, may I ask, did a Newfoundlander cure you?” the shrink asked.

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed ~ ain't nobody under there now!”

Priceless Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland from Toronto.  The wife
had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2,000 per year.  The leg needed
to be replaced due to a major crack in it. When they arrived in Newfoundland,
they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure her
wooden leg.  The agent checked on the computer and said to the couple,
“$39.00.”  The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
Newfoundland to insure here it because it cost $2,000 in Ontario.

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well, it's on
the computer screen and says, 'Any wooden  structure with a sprinkler
system over it is $39.00” 

“I always did find  the Newfoundland logic
far superior to most  others,” stated the agent.

Keep on Truckin'

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to the fire departments
for miles around.  After crews have been fighting the fire for more than  an hour,
the company president approaches the fire chief and says, “All our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved, and I
will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out. Several crews try,
but none can get through.

Suddenly, a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 years,
comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno.
The other firefighters watch unbelieving, as the old timers hop off their rig and
heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formula. The company president
beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers.

“What do you guys plan to do with the money?” he asks after he writes them out
a cheque.  The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers,
“The first thing we are going to do is fix the g.. d... brakes on that truck!”

Blind Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with  his seeing-eye-dog.  They come to
a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by
on the street, leads the man right out into the thick of traffic.

This is followed by a screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try
desperately not the run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog  finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other
side of the street...and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which
he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement
and says to the blind man, “Why on earth are  you rewarding your dog with a
cookie?  He nearly got you killed!”

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, “To find where his head
is, so I can kick his butt!”

“Pearl of Wisdom”
If a man doesn't make a fool of himself now and again,
he's not living.
(from a novel by Nora Roberts)

Merle Baird-Kerr . . . written May 4, 2012
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