Pulitzer Colonoscopy

Many thanks to Carolyn ~ sending this 'Journal' just for those

who are in great anticipation of this soothingly funny procedure!

About the Writer:

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-Winning humour columnist

for the Miami Herald who wrote...

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon...a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said because my brain was shrieking:

HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!

I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription called 'MoviPrep' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss 'MoviPrep' in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug...then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes...and here I am being kind...like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, a loose watery bowel movement may result. This is kind of like saying that after you jump off the roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning, my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, “What if I spurt on Andy?” How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse, named Eddie, put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily, I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good...and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you get yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room...and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. “You want me to turn it up?” asked Andy from somewhere behind me...“Ha ha” I said. And then it was time...the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine' and the next moment I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ!

On the subject of Colonoscopies...these are no joke. Andy told me of actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies.

At the end, my friend, Carolyn comments,

“I thought this was cute, especially since this is my son's profession.”

The Snotty Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the neurologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room, full of patients, he approached the receptionist's desk, and noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, she said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly...and in an equally loud voice, replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION...BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!”

The room erupted in applause.

Merle Baird-Kerr...written May 5, 2015

To comment...email...inezkate@gmail.com  or  mbairdkerr@cogeca.ca