Message from the Queen

Recently, this message was forwarded to me
(from an ardent reader).
In circulation and to me I share with you
this prolific message from the Queen.

To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

“In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories

(except North Dakota and Utah, which she does not fancy). Our new Prime Minister,
Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

The letter U will be reinstated in words such as 'colour, favour, labour and neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters...and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable letters. (Look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words, interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and
'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of size

July 4^th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out, without suing someone or speaking to a the rapist...then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler in public.

All intersections will be replaced with 'round-abouts' and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time (going metric) immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables...these will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling 'gasoline') of roughly $10 U.S. gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips...those things, you call French fries are not real chips... and those things you insist on calling 'potato chips' are properly called 'crisps. Real chips are thick-cut ...fried in animal fat...and dressed, not with catsup.but with vinegar.

The cold, tasteful stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth only proper British Bitter...will be referred to as beer....amd European brews oft known and accepted will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable...as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth & can only be due to the beer. They are part of the British Commonwealth...see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine...so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football ...you call it soccer.

Those of you brave enough in time will be allowed to play rugby which has some similarities to American football ...but does not involve stopping every 20 seconds wearing full Kevlar body armour.

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called 'The World Series' for a game which is not played outside America. You will learn 'cricket' and we will face the South Africans first ...to take the sting out of their deliveries.

You must tell us who killed JFK...it's been driving us mad!

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government shall be with you shortly ~ to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers... and never mugs...with high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes...plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Gracious thanks to Tom...for his contribution to us.

Forwarding to my Readers...prepared by Merle Baird-Kerr...May 17, 2020

Comments always welcome: mbairdkerr@cogeco.ca