Psychologists
state, “The human brain is not fully developed until the age of
25.”
They
further state: “Legal Adults (those age 18+) are allowed to make
adult decisions...without fully mature brains. Someone who is 18 may
make riskier
decisions
than someone in their mid 20's, in part due to lack
of experience, but primarily due to an underdeveloped brain. All
behaviours and experiences you endure until the age of 25 have
potential to impact your developing brain.”
“Hold Your Teen
Accountable or He Will Hold You Hostage,”
writes
Gary Direnfield...a local social worker.
The
question to him from a parent:
“Our
16-year-old teen is refusing to get a job this summer and says he's
earned the right to sit around and do nothing if he wants. He says
he's through school for the year and this is his vacation. I want
him to get a job! Usually, when he sits around, it's to play video
games and hang out with his friends. He's never had a job
before...how can I make him to get out there and search?”
Answer:
“At
16 years of age, there is really very little you can make your son
(or daughter) do. The most you can do is to influence their
decisions. How much influence you have depends upon the quality of
your relationship with your teen. Typically, teens who think they
can get away with whatever they want, do so because they have already
been doing so. Often parents inadvertently train them for this by
'giving in'
over the years. If finally, you want to hold them 'accountable'
,
then you must hold true to your expectations. And they will
challenge you just being a teenager...and likely have done this for
some time to avoid your expectations...and succeeded.
“Speak
reasonably with your son.
Be
clear about your expectations.
Set out your consequences for when he balks.
“Remain
calm and in control of yourself. If you back down from either your
specified expectations or your consequences, your teen will continue
to hold you hostage!
“You
many need to support him in making a resume...do not do it for him.
As example, he can be coached for something like hockey; in the end
he must play the game...not you!”
If you want your children to keep their feet on the ground,
put some responsibility on their shoulders.
(Abigail Buren)
Defusing the 'Teen Eye Roll' Takes Patience and Fortitude
writes Nancy Maes ~ published in Chicago Tribune:
When teens 'roll their eyes' the meaning of their nonverbal message
is not hard for parents to decode. When it first starts appearing,
it often ushers in a new chapter of the child-parent relationship.
“It's important to understand that teenagers are going through a
time of change and are hyper-sensitive, because they're in a very raw
period of time, developmentally, when they are trying to separate
from their families and become individuals,” says psychologist
Alexandra Barzvi.
“Any
time they feel like you're judging them or criticizing them or are
angry with them, they feel vulnerable and break the lines of
communication. Rolling their eyes is their way of expressing their
disagreement, frustration and/or resentment with what you're saying
or doing.
“Between
the ages of 6 and 12, children are pleasant...and they listen better
and develop interests and they're still very affectionate and think
their parents are great. When teens start to pull away from their
parents, it's a very abrupt rupture. The phase will end, eventually.
When a teenager 'rolls her/his eyes' during a conversation, a parent
should control the urge to call out the behaviour and tell the teen
to stop.
Rather, stand and wait until the insolent, albeit nonverbal,
reaction stops before continuing the conversation.
When you attend to negative behaviour, it increases because they know
it annoys you. Teens, just like three-year-olds, know when they're
misbehaving. By waiting, you let them know that their behaviour is
unwelcome.
“Instead:
Suggest a timeout until your teen is calmer.
You
can say, 'I'm
trying to talk to you and I can see that you're not interested;
so why don't I come back later.
You'll get more bang for your buck, if you try to help teens
understand the emotions that they're trying to communicate underneath
the 'the eye-rolling'. This approach shows that you recognize your
child is frustrated or unhappy...and that you're there to listen when
she/he is ready to talk.
“Parents
of teens have to make sure their own identity is well-shored up
from other places. Ideally, they have hobbies, a community of peers
or friends, a spouse they like, a spiritual community...so that when
the kids exit stage left, the stage is not empty.”
Many parents fail to realize
that their responsibility, when raising children,
is to prepare them for adulthood.
(Author Unknown)
Merle Baird-Kerr...written June 27, 2015
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