I
may not be able to give my kids everything they want,
but
I give them what they need:
Love,
Time and Attention.
You
correct by these ways. (Nishan Panwar)
When Kids go Beyond
'Bossy' or 'Spirited' or 'Lethargic'
We
had friends who frequently visited our family. When their little girl
was displeased and demanding, she'd lay down on the floor where Mommy
was...thrash her feet and arms on the floor...rant and rave with her
anger- voice. My friend, to thwart this 'temper tantrum' simply
walked out of the room leaving her child alone to vent her extreme
displeasure. To the parent, this was a quick remedy as child had no
audience. When she discovered that her tantrums were of no avail, she
ceased this volatile action.
The
parent must remain calm and 'in control'. Giving in, gives the child
'control'.
The
Parent LOSES! The Child WINS!
When
I was teaching Grade 8 students, John was very lazy, often slouching
at his desk, seeming totally disinterested; frequently his assigned
homework was not completed and often left at home. Early in the
autumn I held Parents' Interviews. Mr. and Mrs Weaver indicated to
me that they didn't know what to do with their son: he refused to
obey requests from parents; instead he would go to his room to watch
TV; he'd prefer to 'hang out' with his friends until bedtime. They
felt they had no control over him. What could they do? At 13 years
of age, it seemed this boy was having a late-child/early-teen-crisis.
Sad to say, by this age, the parents had lost their discipline
control.
As a
teacher, I delved in conversation with him to determine if any
interests.
I
gave John assignments to research and write about a couple.
Hockey
was one... basketball another...and these he shared with his
classmates.
Leanne
Italie (Associated Press) wrote the following:
There's
a difference in parenting between a little backtalk and kids actually
bullying their grown-ups. Parent and family therapist, Sean Grover
writes in a new book, “When
Kids Call the Shots” that
a generation or two ago, it would have been unthinkable for children
to bully their parents without any consequences. Today, this means,
coming up with new strategies...but also unpacking your own baggage
in the esteem, resentment, shame, fear and anxiety compartments of
your past. It ain't pretty, but letting go of old
tactics...surrendering, punishing, negotiating...is a positive step.
How does this kind of bullying begin?
Grover:
It's been around a long time in child development, but it just
didn't have that name. The prime reason for it is a 'backlash
against the authoritative parenting' of the past. People make
these vows that they're not going to be that punishing or that way
with their kids. Today, parents go too far in the other direction.
They want to be their kids' friends, they're afraid of children, of
losing their child's affection.
Children are bullying their parents and bring that culture into the
classroom with their peers & teachers.
Are these behaviours out of control?
Grover:
What has changed are the parenting models, how people are responding
to their children. Many parents come to me: burned out or their
relationships are really on the rocks. They begin to relive their
own childhood in some way, so it's a mess of internal space that's
hard to navigate. The difference is not that child development has
changed...but the evolution of parenting.
Is there's more 'guilt-prone', 'anxiety-fuelled', 'fix-everything'
parenting today? Are we failing by allowing ourselves to be bullied?
Grover:
You get into a strange position where the less parents provide
things like structure
and boundaries,
like in the past, the more kids begin to act up. They're
unconsciously waving flags: 'Will you do something over here,
please?' It's this crazy dance where kids will push their parents
until they set a limit and once they do, things settle down quickly.
You've spoken about your own struggles as a parent.
Grover:
When my oldest daughter was about six, she'd have horrific temper
tantrums, melt-downs and screaming. I was at a New Year's Day
celebration and she was making such a scene. Being a therapist, I was
dying a million deaths. She was screaming, running away from me,
telling me to shut up. And when I went home, I looked at my
parenting books and I just wanted to throw all of them out the
window. They were just so generic. It was as if one parenting
script fits all cultures. In my book, really I'm asking parents to
consider...their
history...their culture...their upbringing.
What kind of parenting did they get? What were their parents' light
qualities? What were their dark qualities?
I went to see a parenting specialist and paid him a lot of money.
Reviewing with him my strategies used as a parent (and how miserable
the results), this expert said, “I want you to have breakfast with
your daughter 3 times a week.” I was like what? And he said,
“During that time, you do not talk about yourself; you do not offer
any advice or criticisms and you don't tell stories. You just give
yourself completely to her.”
I was so desperate at that point and we went to a restaurant and she
just devoured that level of attention.
She was a pure delight to be with. It triggered a maturing process.
So on a later trip to Maine she had a melt-down and we talked and
finally it came out. She bursts out crying, “You love my sister
more than me.” I always shudder to think, had I not taken this
route,if I would have gone through punishing and consequences, I
probably would have won the battle ~
but
I would have lost my daughter.”
* * * * * * *
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make
children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of
the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel
like co-operating or doing better? (Jane Nelson).
Setting
Precedents:
Most significant it is, for parents to establish with their children
what is expected of them. Both
parents MUST agree to support each other in the decision making...as
children, being the opportunists they are, will play one parent
against the other!
When
requesting a child to perform a task, there must always be a
consequence
set
immediately. When the child balks or shows resistance of any
kind...it is imperative the consequence
must
follow immediately!
If and when the task is fully completed, be sure to praise him/her!
If we don't shape our kids, they will be shaped by outside forces
that don't care what shape our kids are in.
(Dr. Louise Hart)
Merle Baird-Kerr...written July 6, 2015
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