Laughter ~ the
Sweetest Medicine for Mind and Body
Laughter relaxes the whole body...boosts the immune system...triggers
release of endorphins...protects the heart...burns
calories...lightens anger's heavy load...may even help you to live
longer!
You know why women like men in uniform?
Because we women know they can follow orders! (Anonymous)
Old
Guys Make the Best Soldiers!
“I'm
a pensioner and the army forces think I'm too old to track down
terrorists!
If you're over 42, then you can't join the military. They've got
their whole system backwards! Instead of sending 18-year-olds to war
zones, they should take us old guys.
They shouldn't let you join the military until you're at least 35!
“18-year-olds
have been proven to think about sex every 10 seconds,
while pensioners only think about it once or twice a month. This
leaves us an extra 280,000 seconds per day to focus on the enemy.
“Young
soldiers don't have enough life experience to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a terrifying soldier! ' I'm tired and hungry, my back
hurts, I can't sleep! Aaaargh!'
“We're
impatient and bad-tempered, so perhaps letting us kill some jerk
who desperately deserves it,
will cheer us up and keep us quiet.
“18-year-olds
never usually get up before 10 a.m. Old
guys always wake up early to pee! Besides, like I've already said,
'since I can't get to sleep...I may as well be off killing some
fanatical son-of-a-bitch! If they capture us, we'd never spill the
beans, because we wouldn't remember where we put them. Name, rank
and serial number would be a huge braintaser!
“Old
guys would ace boot camp! We're used to people yelling at us...and
we're accustomed to eating soft food. We also have a deep appeciation
of firearms. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get
away from all the yelling!
“They
could lighten up on the obstacle course, though. I've been in
combat, but I've never come across a 20-foot wall with ropes hanging
over either side! They can probably get rid of the running part as
well. I've never seen anybody outrun a bullet!
“18-year
olds have their whole lives ahead of them. They should still be
learning how to shave...and how to talk to pretty girls. They still
haven't even figured out how to properly wear a baseball cap!
“These
are all good reasons why we should keep our kids at home.
“Let
us old guys track terrorists down! No enemy wants to see a couple
million hacked-off old farts, with automatic weapons and with bad
attitudes...who know that their best years are behind them!
“And
what about recruiting women in their 50's...in menopause?
You think only men have a bad attitude? You ain't seen nothing
yet! If nothing else, they can be put on 'border control'! It'll be
secured by the end of the first night!
(With thanks to one of my readers re the above submission)
“Brotherhood
means: I will always come for you, no matter what the cost!”
Military
Jokes!
Pregnant
With Doubt:
When the sergeant told our new commander, his driver could not
participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant,
the enraged commander demanded to know how pregnant she was. The
sergeant's reply was, “Completely, Sir!”
The
Deadliest Job in WWII:
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about WWII. Since my
father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him.
After a few basic questions, gingerly I asked, “Did you ever kill
anyone?” Dad became quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said,
“Probably.
I was the cook.”
Never
Lose a Tank:
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's why the Navy
captain goes down with the ship!
Military
Lesson ~ Never Volunteer:
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if
anyone had 'artistic abilities'. Having been an architectural
draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant
announced that everyone would get a 3-day pass...except me. I would
stay behind and neatly print each soldier's name onto his Army-issued
underwear.
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC
and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last
name) used that heritage to 'lord' it over me. But I had the last
laugh. Upon his return that night in his perfectly pressed uniform,
his newly acquired name tag in hand, reluctantly he showed it to me.
In large gold letters was printed TRASH.
The
Time-Travelling Soldier:
When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was
put into the machine by an attractive young technician. Some time
later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the
machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was
in there?”
Airman
Express:
My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he
passed an airman who didn't salute! My friend stopped, turned around
and glared at the airman. “Thanks for coming back for me,” the
airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. “Airmen's Mess,
Sir!”
Confessions
of a Military Wife:
My husband is infantry and he said the most wonderful things to
convince me to marry him. The
closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. I
could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. He
would never get on my nerves because he would usually be gone.
An
Army of None:
We were an Air Force family, but our young son could not grasp that
fact. Anytime when asked what his father did, he'd say, “He's in
the Army.” I told him umpteen times, “Stop telling people I'm in
the Army!!!” It finally seemed to hit home because on the
kindergarten admittance form for “father's profession”, the
teacher wrote, “He doesn't know...but he's not in the Army!”
Bad
Soldier Mistakes:
It's important that soldiers learn from their mistakes, otherwise,
they're bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. One soldier who
replied, “I was cold” was reprimanded as being not a sufficient
reason for being caught in the female barracks!
Basic
Flying Rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of
it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of the
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much
more difficult to fly there!
The
Meaning of War:
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography!
Compiled by Merle Baird-Kerr...November 4, 2017
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