...the
birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the
trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the
best parking place is determined by the shade instead of distance.
...hot
water comes from both taps.
...you
can make sun tea instantly.
...you
learn that a seat buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the
temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
...you
discover that in July, it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
...you
discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
...you
actually burn your hand opening the door.
...you
break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
...your
biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
...you
realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the
potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter.
...the
cows are giving evaporated milk.
...farmers
are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.
.IT
IS SO DRY that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling;
the
Methodists are using wet-wipes;
the
Presbyterians are giving rain checks;
and
the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
(compliments
to Jeanne for the above)
Let
a man walk 10 miles steadily on a hot summer's day
along
a dusty English road...and he will soon discover
why
beer was invented! (Gilbert K. Chesterton)
Doggie
at the sunny window, muses,
I'm
not coming out 'til it cools down out there!
You
know it's hot...when the dog starts to melt!
In
Praise of Summer
The following are excerpts from a press article by Paul
Benedetti...who teaches
at the University of Western Ontario and lives in Hamilton.
After
the summer we've had, I feel like writing an Ode to Summer.
And
if I knew what an 'ode' actually is, I would do that!
Instead,
I'd like to suggest that summer is the greatest season and that this
summer should be placed
in
the Summer Hall of Fame.
Many
people claim that they love winter more than summer. Sociologically
speaking, these people are known as 'liars.' Some of them may also
be skiers, but they too, are probably lying since skiers spend most
of their time putting on 34 layers of ski gear...and the rest of the
time in the chalet for “Happy Hour” which goes from noon until
midnight.
Others
who claim to love winter do so safely from their condos in Boca Raton
where they go on and on about being “Snow Birds” though the only
snow they've seen in four months is in their pina colada slushy.
So,
let's just agree that all sane people...and I include myself in that
group, think that summer in Canada is a fleeeting,beautiful thing.
Summer is sitting on your front porch with a cup of coffee...the
morning sun lighting up your newspaper...or glaring off your iPad
until you are near blind. Summer is long, long days with the sky
still bright at 7 and 8 and even 9, making “Saturday afternoon beer
drinking” a very dangerous activity.
Summer
is driving your car with the windows down...unless of course, the
humidity is no percent in which case, your car is pretty much a
moving 'steam bath' and your shirt is soaked and your legs appear to
be Krazy-Glued to your upholstery.
Summer
is outside barbecuing. No slaving over a hot stove in the kitchen.
Instead, you can sweat in front of a 600-degree grill in a cloud of
hamburger fat and smoke, yelling, “Does anyone mind their burger
rare?”
Summer's
warm nights...and I mean nights that would make a month in a
Malaysian jungle seem 'refreshing.' Nights where you lie in a
sweat-soaked bed...two fans doing a great job of just blowing more
hot air around the room...and making about the same level of noise as
a prop plane taking off.
Summer
is going out to cut the lawn and realizing 15 minutes in, the sun is
roasting the top of your head where you delusionally believe you
still have hair. Five more minutes and your brain has the same
temperature as a sausage on the barbecue...with about the same
thought processes.
Summer
is people repeatedly asking, “Hot enough for you?” until you want
to answer, “No, actually is is not hot enough for me. I prefer it
so hot that people around me burst into flames. How about you?”
But
summer is also that morning dive off the dock into cool, clear water.
It's waking up as the sun peaks over the horizon at 6 a.m. and
staying up until it disappears in the west, just past 10 p.m. It's
reaching into a cooler filled with ice and pulling out a cold bottle
of beer...popping the cap and taking your first, long pull!
It's
eating outside, the air pleasant and warm...the gentle buzz of
cicadas in the trees the only dinner music you need. Summer is biting
into that first fresh corn of the season...the cob buttered and
salted. It's savouring the sugar-sharp of sun ripened tomatoes and
the sinful sweetness of sliced peaches.
Summer
is sitting in the sun...a trashy novel unopened beside you,
lightly
dozing and dreaming that it will never end.
Compiled
by Merle Baird-Kerr...September 10, 2016
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