“The
Best Dads get promoted to Grandads”
“Being
a grandparent means that you'll finally have someone
who
will listen to your boring stories.” (Unknown author)
(Taken
from papers written by a class of 8-year olds)
Grandparents
are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own...they
like other people's.
A
Grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents
don't do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are
so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us
to the shops and give us money.
When
they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves
and caterpillars.
They
show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why
we shouldn't step on 'cracks'.
They
don't say, “Hurry up'.
Usually
grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They
wear glasses and funny underwear.
They
can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents
don't have to be smart.
They
have to answer questions like, “Why isn't God married? And how come
dogs chase cats?”
When
they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.
They
know we should have a snack time before bedtime; they say prayers
with us and kiss us even if we have acted badly.
It's
funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks...and they blame the
dog.
Everybody
should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television in your room.
Grandpa
is the SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS.
Grandparents'
Answering Machine
Good
Morning...at present we are not home; but, please leave your message
after the beep.
If
you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from
1 to 5.
If
you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If
you want to borrow the car, press 3.
If
you want to wash your clothes, press 4.
If
you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If
you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If
you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to
your home, press 7.
If
you need money, press 9.
If
you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theatre,
start talking. We are listening!!!
(Thanks to Dilu...courtesy of the foregoing)
“For
Better of For Worse” Cartoon
When the parents are away for a few days, Grandma and Grandpa looked
after the children. When they returned home to their family, Mom
says to Elizabeth, “I want you in bed by 8:00 pm.” With a scowl
on her face, she replies, “Grandma said I could stay up until 8:30
pm.” Dad speaks to their son who is playing with his toys at
bedtime, “Michael, Put away those toys!” To which, Michael
snarls, “Grandpa said I could do it tomorrow!” The younger girl,
to delay bedtime, is enjoying a bowl of sugary cereal. Mom asks,
“You're having cereal? But, it's bedtime!” Child replies,
“Grandma said it was OK.”
After the children are in bed, Mom and Dad are exhausted ~
and sitting on the sofa, state, “There are too many parents in this
house!”
Retarded Grandparents
(Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils
how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and
they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels,
but it is strapped to the ground. They ride around on their
three-wheeled tricycles and wear name tags, because they don't know
who they are any more. They go to a building called a wreck center,
but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They
play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in
it with hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go to the gate at their park, there is a doll house with a
little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can
escape. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up
shells that they think are dollars. Sometimes, when they can sneak
out, they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she's
forgotten how. Some people are so retarded, they don't know how to
cook at all. So now, nobody there cooks...they just eat out. And
they eat the same thing every night...'early birds'. Some of the
people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do
get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and they call it
'potted luck'.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday
too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll
house. Then I will let people out...so they can visit their
grandchildren.
(With thanks to Jeanne for this child's concept of his
grandparents)
Needing 'legal representation' a child in overalls sits in the
'time-out' corner...
his basket of stuffed animals beside him, and says, “I'm gonna
appeal this case
all
the way to Grandma! (from a cartoon)
“The
only thing better than having you for parents,
is my children having you for Grandparents!”
Merle Baird-Kerr...scripted August 7, 2015
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