An
ardent reader recently sent me this first story
which
fits well with today’s type of humour:
Catholic Horses:
(A "punter" is ~ one who punts a football
one who is a speculator in the stock market
one who oars, propels or poles a punt (pontoon)
one who is a gambler...amateur on horse racing)
A punter was at the horse races, playing
the ponies, and all but losing
his shirt. He noticed a Priest, dressed in his religious robes, step on the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up at the 4th race.
Lo, and behold ~ that horse ~ a “long shot” ~ won the race.
his shirt. He noticed a Priest, dressed in his religious robes, step on the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up at the 4th race.
Lo, and behold ~ that horse ~ a “long shot” ~ won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the
Priest stepped on the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline
to the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another “long shot", the horse won the race.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline
to the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another “long shot", the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings and anxiously waited
to see which horse the
Priest would bless next. He bet BIG on it…and it won! As the jockey
races continued, the Priest kept blessing “long shots” and each one
ended up winning.
Priest would bless next. He bet BIG on it…and it won! As the jockey
races continued, the Priest kept blessing “long shots” and each one
ended up winning.
The punter was elated! He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all
his savings and waited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him upon
which horse to bet. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped on the track for
the last race and blessed the forehead, the eyes, ears and hooves of the
old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned
on the old nag.
his savings and waited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him upon
which horse to bet. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped on the track for
the last race and blessed the forehead, the eyes, ears and hooves of the
old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned
on the old nag.
He intently watched, dumbfounded as the
old nag came in last.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest sat.
Confronting Him, he demanded “Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won!
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest sat.
Confronting Him, he demanded “Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won!
Then at the last race, the horse you blessed,
lost by a mile!
Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost every cent of my savings!”
Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost every cent of my savings!”
The Priest nodded wisely and with
sympathy.
“Son,” he said, “that’s the problem with you
Protestants.
You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the
last rites!”
last rites!”
The
Confession:
A married Irishman went into the
confessional and said to the priest,
I almost had an affair with another woman.”
I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked, “What do you
mean...almost?”
The Irishman replied, “Well, we got
undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped.
I stopped.
The priest stated, “Rubbing together is the
same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again! For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.”
that woman again! For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional and said
his prayers; then walked over to the
poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran
over to him saying, “I saw that!
You didn't put any money in the poor box!”
You didn't put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed
the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!”
to you, that's the same as putting it in!”
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who
went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.”
Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be
forgiven”.
The young woman commented further, “Last
night my boyfriend made made
passionate love to me seven times.”
passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then
stated, “Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.”
into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse
me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that
smile off your face.”
A Nun at Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once
in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt with cheers.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once
in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt with cheers.
However, when the revellers saw the nun,
the room went dead silent.
She walked to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a
naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
She walked to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a
naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in
that case, I'll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back
out...and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender
and spoke, “Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because
I went to the restroom?”
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender
and spoke, “Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because
I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you're one of us,”
said the bartender.
Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but I still don't understand,” said the puzzled nun.
Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but I still don't understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every
time someone lifts the fig leaf
on that statue, the lights go out.
on that statue, the lights go out.
“Now, how about that drink?”
Strange Floater
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired
for her sweetness and kindness
to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared a little tea.
to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal
glass bowl
sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his
curiosity; surely Miss Bea
had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and cookies,
they began to chat. The pastor tried to
stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the
best of him, and he could resist no longer.
stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the
best of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Bea,” he said,”I wonder if you would
tell me about this,” pointing to the
bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking down town last
fall
and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet,
and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working.
I haven't had a cold all winter.”
and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet,
and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working.
I haven't had a cold all winter.”
Adam's Underwear
A little boy opened the big family
Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf
that had been pressed between the pages.
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf
that had been pressed between the pages.
"What have you got, dear?" she inquired.
With astonishment in the young boy's eyes, he answered, "Adam's underwear!"
“Pearl
of Wisdom”
The
old believe everything.
The
middle age suspect everything.
The
young know everything!
(Oscar
Wilde)
Merle Baird-Kerr . . . written October 30, 2011
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